May 10, 2012 at 6:18 am | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Every time you have a thought about food pleasure, STOP IT. stop the thought



May 10, 2012 at 5:48 am | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

HERE is for to confront thots that ar thet i don’t want to get sober.


bglo is something you can accustom yourself to by presenting it to yourself and confronting every aversive reaction . pushing away the food and detaching from it is the same.

May 10, 2012 at 5:45 am | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

i was going to say the big prob is that i just dowanna stay sober

but i can commit to converting self daily but i kant commit to that 

i am dying

god please help me i need your help god. and your angel wtf god NOTHING WILL HELP ME AND THE ANGELS YOU ARE SENDING ARE CONSERVATIVES AND THEY DONT 


May 10, 2012 at 5:38 am | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

WRITE ABOUT just how you are trying to get willing to get on and stay on the pure diet BGLO BITTER GREEN LIVING ONLY

you cn accustom yourself to it by going slowly MAYBE but really by writing about it the writing will bring about wtf am i saying


no i dont want to go slowly

the big prob is







maybe a breake thru making this blog though?

i am miy self. here

hav the blogg es e plas wher I put howwda gett klene

May 10, 2012 at 5:30 am | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

i m my reel me en thess blog i am my real self in this blog

learn to be utterly genlte

learn to stop, when tasking hurtfully

learn to push away the food.

oscar de le renta.

he openly values … what

at art skool they just are mad and selfish and just want attention the students the teachers.

who is there

where should i go

is it time just to get a job

yeah, in fashion


be a comic, an actress

apply to fuckama school drama school the idea HURTS SO DEPRESSING WHO IS THERE WHO IS THERE









but the impulse comes to stuff my fase HOW CAN I STOP STUFFING IT












everyone in lakeville hates me

debby markhates me. she abuses me.

i need a husband i need a  school but i cannot get either one if i ete fuckr fudes. if i ete stuffr fudes. i AM LOST I AM IN THE GUTTER I WILL NEVER EVER GET OUT BECAUSE I DONT I CANT WANT TO STOP ETENG FUCKR FUDES









fuck u

May 10, 2012 at 5:13 am | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

im so scared                 i cant speak

mom is unbelievably cruel


i cant figure it out. try to clean up my diet permanently but i only want tu ete en pass out

everyone en lake vell haits me

guy et th e compeny tu day ws fuckeng me win i calld him dednt evn saye he ws gnne gev miy monybak.en i sent hem the boxs.

i can braiv




I am back, and finally doing the ten-day fast

January 30, 2012 at 12:22 am | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

It’s January 2012 and I have come a long way

I have done horrible, unprecedented things since the time I last posted

I have learned some

I didn’t need to lose my sobriety to learn it

I have learned a lot

I am self-conscious writing

This blog is a safe place

I believe it will not take long to make my ideas presentable

If J M can do it then I can

I talked to B last night

This is the ideal place for my dreams.

April 10 Entry 3

April 11, 2010 at 3:01 am | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

I failed to start the fast.

I have a really damaged system and it has got to be taken care of by fasting.

I have also got to take care of it by having 400cal max meals only and meals separated by 2 hours per 100 cals.

This terrifies me.  I feel great on the 400 max and 2h:100 plan but I get thin.

ok so the plan is.  I go to bed now, 8 pm sat. and I start my fast tomorrow sun. which is on time.  i start it in the am…. but tomorrow has to be day one of the day count too.

It is just a day count to repair my poor damaged body and heal and let myself rest and get well and functional.

I am glad because I really know what makes me depressed — large meals.  And the brain fog comes from these large meals too.  Large meals reveal themselves to be the culprit.  I have to do 400 acc. max. and I really have to space meals at 2 hours per 100 cals.  I won’t starve.  It is a certain amount of food.  It is fine.  My body will get stronger.

I have had really horrifying really damaging interactions today.  Escept with Susie Zatalokin.  But I still cannot really unedited unbridled express myself to her.  But I did shout it out to janis.  ut she was a f*cking f*cker beater at me but I did shout it all out at her.  so.

I am going to call up priyas voicemail when i know she is asleep and I am going to let her know what a f*cking f*ck she is for leaving , oh, she left me a message today whining and snapping at me FOR CALLING HER UP what a f*cking f*ck

I mean to tell her the world is sh*t BECAUSE OF PEOPLE LIKE HER f*cking selfish f*ck.

The most upsetting thing today.. Bosmi didnt answer the phone but that was OK since I feel she welcomes me … I need to feel welcomed

the day count rules are:



well i will write these down later ok

April 10 Second Entry

April 11, 2010 at 12:23 am | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Too depressed to write as it is too hard.

I have so much to detail.

I can’t I don’t want to strain myself.

Trying to base my life on gentleness and make myself gentle and stop straining myself.

I try to force myself to do all manner of things that I think will get me to fast and it just creates strain all of it.

I am not writing honestly right now.

I want to write honestly.

I wish Bosmi or anyone would call me or cared about me.

I wish I could call up Janet or Gretchen.

fuck skype fuck spending more and more and more money and  having it just be complicated.

New Day Count and 5-Day Fast April 10, 2010

April 10, 2010 at 5:14 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

it’s gentleness- and surrender-based

every day narrate what happens

also catalogue every significant life event in manner of self-help book exercise

every day

start days with positivity

life is short

why have I failed so far.

I just want to WANT to fast.

I want to fast 5 days, or 10days

Then I want to do bitter green living fudes only

Thank God I can get on the Internet.

gratitude is a requisite too daily

in the morning

affirming “I really want to fast and be fude-sober”

self-motiv interviewing each morning

honestly and openly questioning whether i choose fasting and sobriety

taking all the time it requires

i hope choosing the sobriety & fasting will just get easier and more automatic

sprout every day

here’s what the day count rules are.

I have to make them really feasible gentle and viable /effective

to be effective they have to be gentle and can’t let me get lonely

tonya has written me

she is intelligent on paper

it is bad to be connected to her though since she is lowclass

I am scared

here are the day count rules.



400 acc max and 2 hours per 100 cals.

(Comment: I have resistance to this rule and fear of it but truly it is big meals that really beat me up and bring me down.  I am fine except if I eat a big meal.  From there it is all being brainfogged and desperate depressed and can’t do anything except stuff myself down with fude. )

(Comment: I have to get honest about how the fude really affects me.  There is something bad going on here.  I

4-hour PAF Rule


Before eating in a day: sleep 8 1/4 hours, exercise via bodyfeel session, and cold …. bath ? want to require cold swim in ocean.  Take as long as is required to do this comfortably.

Daily sprout

Daily Meditate 5 hours

Daily Lifestory Work

Daily Blog all fude Events

Daily 3 Reachout Calls

Daily 3 Emails 1 to a new person


Daily SELF- MOTIVATIONAL INTERVIEWING (i.e., really honestly ask self what want, what are goals and values, if want to be sober and fast)

Daily Gratitude and Affirmations




Note I am not being honest with myself or realistic

Note I am not being gentle with myself.

Note the real purpose is youthing

NOTE I have to make better use of act or principle of surrender

OK FAST UNTIL APRIL 15TH AT LEAST OR BETTER FAST TEN DAYS I.E. UNTIL APRIL 20TH.  April 15th is this Thursday.  April 20th is the Tuesday after that, a week from this Tuesday.

have to complete rules later

ten day fast

April 5, 2010 at 5:31 am | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

I want to post on here the results of search for defining moments in my life

-Josh shutting the door in my face


you could almost feel they were the same incident over and over.

.. in fact…

… these are of a type.  The primary thing they seem to have done is destroyed a kind of confidence.  CONFIDENCE then  — I lack.  I lack the confidence that the most basic things will happen.  I live terrorized.

it seems my resistance to fasting/stopping bingeing is like due to other things however.

these are not things that you can list like Reasons or Objections to Quitting.  The reasons are like — every day I am overwhelmed by the lack of caring in my life.

These are not arguments , not Listed Reasons, more like: ” … I don’t know why I Need to Stuff Self.  I JUST NEED TO.”


I try to collect my good-feelings about fasting but these are not necessarily compelling when push comes to shove.


My most common reason for losing a fast is:  “I can’t stand the misery.”

My inspiration this morning was:  i can be defiantly positive like Leslie Davidson.  She was defiant to me as I was negative.  She insisted on being positive.  I thought:  “I can be like Leslie Davidson and have a good experience.  I CAN  fast,  and I can have a GOOD EXPERIENCE!”

I am NO LONGER AFRAID of my thinness and NO LONGER AFRAID of the fasting-sickness.


I AM susceptible to the panic that comes with BOREDOM OR BEIGN TRAPPED IN BED /ISOLATED/  NO NO NO      NO      NO           NO            BOOKS OR ANYTHING…….  nothing to read nothing to work on nothing interesting nothing compelling nothing to do



I DO see my previous bleaknesses (everywhere I’ve lived has been bleak) AS LESS TERRIFYING LESS OVERWHELMING less frightening

I’m not intimidated by them


I started last night 2 am.  Well, I am almost done with Day One.

I really can

BUT HOW WILL I DEAL WITH THE STRESS TOMORROW OF THE HOUSING INTERVIEW????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????





Motivational Interviewing. what do I want in life?  how do I get it?  Yes.  i see I get it BY FASTING….

Another change today: okay.  I am seeing what i get out of eating-when-it’s-no-ok-with-me.  I see that I get “warmth.”  I see that I “fly.”  I can see these episodes as…. achieving states ACHIEVABLE IN OTHER WAYS…

THE BIG CHANGE IS:  I can see my episodes as… NOT indicating hopeless addiction…. more just misguided attempts… and I can feel that the episodes themselves are not actually as incapacitating as my despair would have it…. I think my thinking was judging and rigid to an extent that perpetuated the problem….

a propos of this… i think the stupid dumb author who wrote 7 tools book was really objecting to ADDICT THINKING — not legitimately to the therapeutic model which empahsizes the seriousness of addiction

All this really actually makes fasting sort of a Nice Option instead of a Necessity — takes the pressure off.

Fineally I have the courage to be truthfu with myself,a nd thus make progress toward fasting.  i was too scared to face the real truth about self and fasting because it seemed i would be raped and utterly humiliated disrespected.  my need to fast, for my dignity, might be just totally dismissed.  how would I get my dignity???  it was UNACCEPTABLE, the eventuality that my emotional need for fasting would be dismissed and never fulfilled by fasting success.  it still is unacceptable.  I don’t know how I got the courage to really take the risk of being rape fuck forced, told that I would not be allowed to fast.

today i narrated the ages 10-11 story to Bosm.  I raped myself annihiliated myself by justifying my pushing away the food on a health basis.  this is totaly unacceptable. it is a horrifying self-rape that  I defended myself on a health basis.  I don’t know what to do about that.  i don’t know how to approach self-affirmingly the fact that I COULD defend myself on a health basis.   If I had not been in the situation of defending myself to another, merely in a project of reassuring my own self or .. something… it would have been OK… I did see that truly I needed to cut down the food and learn to fast , right at that age; and when I was fude-fucked fude-raped-fude-stuff fucked  I was crippled for LIFE.  I was fude rapestuff fucked;  I was forced to be fat;  I developed the intestinal condition; I developed the neurological condition of severe anxiety and depression.  I surprised myself with the revelation of this, withthe clarifying of it — with the full validation of my reducing my food intake at that age, unconsciuosly training myself to go along the path of achieving fasting.   it is so clear now how much I NEEDED to fast, to cut down the food to achieve fasting. I NEEDED to heal my poor intestine.  I needed to heal it by fasting.  I love myself and this is the most gentle thing i could have done.  Instead of beign allowed to achieve it I was brutally thwarted, bullied, violated, fuck stuff raped — when I NEEDED to be respected and let to FAST.   it is so crystal clear.

I MUST figure out how to insist that my reduced food intake be RESPECTED, on solely a moral basis.  THat THIS WAS IMPORTANT TO ME AND THEREFORE UNCONDITIONALLY IT DESERVED TOTAL RESPECT.

Just a note about the fast.  Ok — the day count of pushing away the food and keeping 2 hours per 100 cals to process food eaten… actually helped me conceive that i could fast 10 days.  that I COULD fast.  I developed tolerance for pushing away the food.  The backlash grew less.  i woul ordinarily get backlash from applying discipline many days in a row.

I did get backlash as I made the decision to fat — I ate like 1200 cals at once, ostensibly 800 but dishonestly measured    … and THEN 6 hours later ate 1350 cals at once, ostensibly 750 but also dishoneest

These episodes were the only slips after 5,6 days of 400 acc. max and 2H:100.  They put me in bed all day today with the intestinally -generated weakness.

talking with Bosm. makes me realize the extraordinarliy convoluted horrifyign ly self-harsh nature of my thinking. her thinking is like this and i dont know if it s really good for me to talk to her.

i think i should accept the thinking though and not try to control her  … or myself????






i will use the technique of just saying to myself “let me fast jsut a little bit longer.”

of course now i just want to go eat as soon as it is midnight.


DAY FOUR: actually pushing away the food (4-Hour Rule)

March 31, 2010 at 12:52 am | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

there’s a new rule today — if I can’t , … if eating is not Ok with me I have to wait 4 hours beyond the legal time

Definition of my trauma: forcibly “justifying” eating with rapist fucker totally invalid and utterly intuition-raping “justifications” based on food-rapist society’s rigid threat-backed “fude rules” commanding overwhelming and pathologically frequent food consumption.  “Euuuwwhaffftaeeet.”  I eat in spite of NOT BEING AT ALL CONVINCED OF THIS HORRIFICALLY SICK THINKING, ON ANY LEVEL.

too tired to write

fucker roommate fucker fucker fucker  but please god let him be safe and actually compliant  as I dare suspect he may be

so last nite horror totally brutalized self w/400 actually 500? cals totally unable to tolerate.

Now it is quarter to six pm and I have notyet eaten


i DID oK.  Still very lazy and horrifyingly unable to make self TRY.  and really work out as hard as possible.  I get to the point where it is hard and i so sleazily dishonestly don’t try.

i SILL have to do gymnastics and run

I actually am daring to have these PAFFING rules.  The 4-hour rule.  i dare to think of hoping that I may be actually phasing myself into a real fast.

And a real fast that is sober and self-respectful i.e. does not entail bingeing beforehand.  Sucks not tobe able to binge.  that is the general theme

i feel Ok.  better of course with the reduced eating.

to feel good, I would have to stop eating right now at least another 24 hours?

my 36 h fast is coming soon i guess  FUCK  I need to get positive. and REALLY positive.

thinking of Hotchkiss: jennifer little.  lawn beside Buehler and in late summer the kids outside there.  FAll and its distinctive light  well it is actually rather painful.s.

only other thing to note is the TORTURE of sleazily being unable to push away the fude and .. the insecurity and indeterminateness of this whole new way.  when will i ever be able to eat again?  will i starve?

i still have real shame and terror about my body , so thin, but looked at myself today and rehearsed that I AM ACCEPTABLE and I look fine.

— am merely in a place where I need to vent a lot.  I have 4 days on my Day Count today.  (400 cal per meal, lengthening fasts committedly, spacing meals 2 hours: 100 cals…. sheer grimness and torture… how have I gotten through it????   But I have GOT TO AFFIRM it because it makes me SO MUCH BETTER PHYSICALLY… better than I have ever felt for any period of tiem for a long time.  i still don’t feel good, but I am really getting there, especially the more willing I am to push away the food when it really isn’t Ok with me.. I am working on this.. see below)

I have worked out again today .  I still have a little running (down the block only but better than zero) and gymnastics to do – but I put in OK effort and I am still really positive about getting strong again finally.

i have not eaten yet today and may actually .. be… phasing myself into an actual fast, a natural and unforced one, and therefore one before which I will not binge and God maybe even one which I will not end up breaking against my own will and against my body’s pleas for more of a fast.  I am , however, tortured, still, because of being unable to push away the food as my body is ever-more-strongly prompting me to do.  The 400-cal program , I believe, is strengthening my body’s resistance to my eating-when-eating-is-not-OK-with-me.  I feel this resistance strongly and yet I still can’t quite yet just push away the food if it is an “appointed”/”legal” time to eat.   I had a desperately unhappy and physicaly torturing episode of this last night — whipping myself off to the 24-hour Wal-Mart at 1 am in spite of exhaustion AND the total inability to tolerate food — because I was so compulsed.  It was horrible.  i notice, with self-forgiveness, but I notice, that when I violate myself this way I take it out on people — not that their offensiveness to me does not bear my reacting to it, but… it is so scary to get angry in public and not be able to control it.  I often get humiliated because others are more skilled at fighting.  Sucks.

God, I should take my own advice and get to my own support groups.. i will be able to once I move to my new place, in town (LA) … tho these groups are really not that good…

I guess I have to go.  I have not gotten done anything I was supposed to get done today, but resting and sleeping  and then working out were much more important.  i am a bit scared, though, because I have to register my car and have only 1 day to do it now, and also I said I would stop by my new apartment (with the problem roommate — will tell you later) to pick up the remote for the garage but may not be able to go now — and so will have to call this creep up on the phone and tell him I have to come tomorrow.  i so do not want to speak to IT (I refuse to call it “him.”).  He has really humiliated me so much.  I am so furious also that it thinks it can just call me up on my phone  as if we were friends.  he really is a sociopath.  I should tell the whole story but…

Well, I am so bummed , because I need to go into town (1 1/2 hours away ) to get decent food — the produce here is so bad.  But this takes about $12 in gasoline and I cannot at the same time get my car inspected because the inspection station is closed by now, so I have to go back tomorrow, and spend another 12 bucks; and I could just not make the trip today, leaving it till tomorrow, but then I would be forced to eat shit food and I can’t stand it, and  it is so totally depressing to think of not going into town today.  More than this, I HAVE to go in today, because if I don’t I can’t pick up the remote for my new apartment’s garage — I’ve arranged with the psycho roommate that he leave it in our mailbox, so I do not have to see IT; and now I have to endure the slime of another phone conversation with IT to to tell IT to leave the remote in the mailbox until tomorrow.  UGH!!!!  This alone may make me got to town.  Twelve dollars.  So what.  The trip will delay my eating , to which is good; and my well-being is worth $12, and I will be able to get a lot of errands done so that I won’t have to do them all plus the car errands tomorrow.  The only thing is I will have to get up really early tomorrow and won’t really be able to do this if I create a late night for myself tonight by being out late — though I kind of doubt I would be able to go to bed early no matter what I did.   On top of this, I am really tired, and I don’t really want to do all this driving.  Well,, I can listen to good radio (npr) since when I am in town I am in range of those stations. God please help me.

DAY 3: day 1 of ENGAGED vigorous workouts

March 30, 2010 at 5:43 am | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment


lots to say about it

tragically I could not yield to its healing

It made me exhausted

I ought to have rested and gone to bed and to sleep and I ought to have pushed away the food.  instead I f*cked myself as usua,l brutally driving self to grocery store against every cell in my body’s pleas to stop, stop, do not eat

after eating — so exhausted — the intestinal effect.

I am really , really lonly now.

I need to sty away from Kein.  He isn’t on my level.  i hurt him today.  he made to offer to re-set up the rapist-landlord confrontation but I without even

I am socially terrified.

I am registering a LOT OF SHAME about my rejection by J McH on facebook.  and I am so ashamed of myself thinking of how m nordhs would also reject me and ondi timoner   I think they all did reject me at yale in the end, they just avoided me so as not to make this explicit.

I need to feel I am valid and valuable

I am tormented by images of self as importunate self-centered vacant blank boring sliming Nothing-Person… nothing-to-say.  i need a MUCH more compassionate self-view and an understanding of WHERE this paralysis comes from and that it is not really who I am and that I am a good nice person with many many things to say and so much to offer like T mark says

Other contents of my daily fantasies:I am also

dream the other night I was unfaithfu to tim mar. with russell epstien or the other way around.  and was caught and was so crippled by self-disgust

I have GOT to get gentler with self

I will work out again tomorrow and I NEED TO LET IT AFFECT AND REALLY HEAL ME

I was indeed so healed by tit today I was forced to some extent t let it affect me

PAFFED until 4 pm today tho “entitled” to eat 11 am.. this due to workout but should have paffed so much more

a lot of the tiem i am terribly driven and go on doing tasks tho I need rest, because I am so ashamed of my nonproductivity

i have called Bosmi, returning her 2 calls of yesterday

I ought to write back Melanie , new rather nice contact , but too tired

Yesterday the 7 hours of letterwriting made me really connected and SECURE — I wasn’t reflexively cowering and cringing at every thought of my own daily agenda and how my barbaric household would condemn this.  i live with truly dangerous and unkidn people

God, please help me to change this.

God, please gently help me get gentle and really rest and really push away the food ALL THE WAY up until my body is ABSOLUTELY OK with eating again.

So, 400 cals at 4 pm today and — bad news — complsed to do 400 cals 1 am instead of sleep.

I feel very very decent

I am looking forward to working out tmw


and i TALKED TO jUAN TODAY.  aNOTHER GOOD STEP TOWARD limiting my frendships to people who are really on my level, highclass people, I can’t think of a satisfying diplomatic way to say what I mean.

Sunday , march 28th:DAY TWO: notes of transgressions/progress

March 29, 2010 at 4:09 am | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

today DAY TWO on new day count

400 cal at 9:30 am

bloated all day on romaine

now 9 pm 400 cal again

want to sleep early but can’t

want to enema perhaps will

have paffed all day but ought to go to bed without eating but am about to go stuff-fuck myself

Wrote to people all day

Sucks I didn’t get to any errands

But am Ok with beign gentle

But I should not have written to Kat — person who I can’t help — I need to hel sefl and others by REALLY UNLOADING TO PEOPLE

fuck so a wasted day

No real sense of writing myself sober or released.

fuck goddamn it.

the letter follows

what a crock of codependent shit.  What a self-neglect.  FUCK  FUCK FUCK   FUUUUUCK
Your letters bring me so much happiness — I was so cheered up to get your notes this week and so wish I were on the rampage with writing to people as I was just a bit ago.  I would really like to be writing to people all day long.  I think I basically can’t at times because … I am incapacitated by episodes of overeating!  I just got clarity about that!    It’s Sunday evening for me right now. I really appreciate your sensitivity and your letters.  I like that you make your own rules for your life and way of eating/dealing with eating and have a kind of innocence — forgive me — that people in LA do not necessarily have ON THE SUBJECT OF FOOD ADDICTION.. so — i do not mean to patronize you — merely to reflect on a difference in culture between the USA and new Zealand in which I find NZ has an advantage… perhaps it (nz) is a less food-addicted society generally.

i HAVE BEEN DEALING with my problem of bloating — seriously and systematically addressing it.  Just as you “had a sit-down ” with yourself about your general food strategy — I have been doing the same… outlining and defining “food-sobriety” for myself and figuring out strategies to learn fasting.  The major source of my suffering is bloating.  It is a complicated thing to object to — see below and you will grasp what I mean – but still it is one thing I can put a stop to by increasing my sobriety, which action [increasing my food-sobriety] will have many other positive important effects.

Bloated: It’s so hard to be in that state.  It’s terrifying .  It’s unbearable. Bloating is terrifying for me, anyway.  I figured out this was because I was such a food addict…  i think it is terrifying for food addicts to be bloated because the body cannot in that state tolerate any more food — and suppose the emotional need to eat food arises — some emotional condition which must be repressed with food???  That’s where the fear comes from… I think one major perverseness, of the many perversenesses, of all “nutrition” books consists in advising people to avoid bloating WITHOUT addressing the overwhelmingly important fact that the bloating would not be such a big deal at all if these people hellbent on stopping bloating were not addicted to food (thus primarily motivated by this addiction, not by any real inconvenience of the bloating or even bad health consequences of it) .. the bloating would not be such a big deal at all if these books audiences did not have a need to, basically, support themselves emotionally, by eating at, basically, all times. Food addicts, I guess, judging from my own case,  are people who get into the emotional state where they feel an overwhelming but fundamentally wrong desire to eat…  And as a part of the normal cycle of bingeing and overeating /eating addictively, this emotional state WILL arise, since it is — this neurological phenomenon always is — the major trigger for the next bout of eating in the cycle…  If I were not addicted to food, bloating, or anything else that interfered with my eating,  would not be so upsetting to me, because I would not panic when I bloated, but merely stop eating for like 24 hours or maybe only like 12 hours, to let my system restabilize — … I really believe that if I were not a food addict, I would actually feel totally relaxed about my ability to eat — not be terrified all the time about losing it.. and I also would fear starvation less.. I think the fear of starvation which comes over me and which would really plague me if I lost my ability to eat for any significant period — I think this fear of starvation is actually a false fear, somehow invented by the food-addicted mind as a mask for what is really a fear of just having to go without one’s drug of choice… this fear of starvation I am convinced does not afflict non-food-addicts… such a person would not panic , and fear death,  if suddenly unable to eat for a week due to illness or whatever.. I remember that as young as 7 or 8 I would get terrified at being unable to eat due to having a stomach flu or something.. I didn’t articulate to myself that I would die, exactly; strangely, it was a fear more in the vein of being afraid of getting in trouble with my mother for not being able to eat normally… how horrifying, when I think of it.  I feared my mother more than death itself!  Ha!  .. All in all, I think the fear of starvation is the addicted mind’s way of bullying the “true mind” into doing its bidding and eating when that is not really OK  … I hold that most eating I do now is not really OK because of the necessity that i fast and rest my system, in order really to heal… but any time , I hold, that eating is done under compulsion, it is not really OK…

Despite this cycle of emotionally “needing” food and slamming it down and suffering, which it is my life’s work to break, I am doing OK right now — I had 6 days on my “Day Count”-type “food sobriety-and-fasting” program last week. (i.e.: 400 cal max at each meal and separate meals in time at the distance of 2 hours per 100 calories so after a 400 cal meal wait 8 hours to eat again) For a decade, or more, I never had Day Counts like this — i knew vaguely that I ought to; then slowly I started having them — about the end of every summer for about 2 weeks I would get positive and undepressed enough to bring this necessary added discipline to my regular Food Plan — a not-so-structured plan of just limiting calories consumed — which I nevertheless bloated on horribly every single day… I was just, for years, constantly, eating just that little bit more than my body could handle… this continued for YEARS, as  I say , so that while I was able to control my weight (which for my dignity and self-empowerment and emotions is the most important thing), I still really suffered and still really got high on food to some extent .. . Anyway, this past year I have actually come to the point of resigning myself to the necessity of this 400-calorie-meal -type sobriety … especially since I turned 40, in January.  it seems like it is going to be my new way of life, at last…. so… this past week:   after 6 days on Day Count  I relapsed 2 or 3 days, meaning, I took meals of like 800 calories instead of 400 and bloated terribly painfully afterward… calories seem to me to be the overwhelming determining factor in whether I will bloat….. the trick seeming to be to confine myself to foods [sober foods] which I can STOP eating after consuming a certain limit of calories… after bloating, during this relapse, I took my harsh salt enemas… and had the fatigue next day.. not a bad thing, completely, and the enemas actually do increase my detachment from the horrible constant craving to get high on food — and they make me able to choose foods that are less triggering — but still… I wish I could achieve what the enemas achieve by fasting instead of enemas.  It seems gentler… definitely it’s less humiliating not to overeat.  And it keeps me a lot more strong and well…

The most significant thing different about this new day count is: I have made it the rule that I must daily sit down and take the time to “get positive and willing” about fasting.  Typically I determine, frequently, to take a long fast without really addressing my deep “need” to get high on food.  I am trying to think about this “need” and address that daily now — using self-help books to articulate my life-goals (just like, love and connectedness, not entirely “killing -the-world-and kicking-general-butt” goals)  .. and to draw the connection between my values and goals on the one hand and food-sobriety and fasting on the other.  So I get more TRULY willing to fast, and feel I can tolerate food sobriety.    My idea is: I still fast weekly but I only try to lengthen my fasts rather slowly, and only to the extent that I am willing to undertake the fast in question without overeating beforehand… and in a spirit of real willingness instead of in a  spirit of merely anticipating the end of the end of the fast and a return to getting high on food periodically…this is scary and frustrating and may mean my fasts lengthen much more slowly — but I think this may be the “long slow way” that is actually the shortcut…

Other trivial new, about my 6-day-successful”day count” and 3-day relapse this past week:  I had knee pain (I.E., IN cHINESE medicine, a liver energy condition) this morning/last night due to a very  high-fat meal, including raw dairy — sorry, cows, and i am ever more conscientious and willing to totally give up dairy for GOOD — I have hardly it at all now for several years — just have been going into a very occasional very limited little frenzy with raw cheese ever since beginning (2 years ago this April!) my raw foods only diet… but as of right now I have no desire to have it in any near future… I am not trying to determine, yet, to give it up entirely as I have many foods (dried fruit is my most recent life-choice-to-give-it-up, which I am really proud to have done successfully, last November) because it isn’t a constant craving and because holding in reserve the “right” to eat it makes staying on my 400-cal-max/2 hours-per-100 cals.. food-sobriety plan seem a little easier.  Even though I would never have cheese on this plan- the amount of cheese one could fit into 400 calories would be totally unsatisfying and triggering.  Horrible thought — having a small quantity of any triggering food.  Still — just on that subject, I know it is important that I reset my conceptions about the tolerability of eating small quantities.. so I consciously try to do that ..   but just with the more triggering foods I want to decide that moderation is not worth learning.  Just forget such triggering foods altogether, I have decided for myself.  The amount of effort people put into learning moderation seems absurd and such a waste of energy.  Why make a particular food so important that you have to read 5 books and undertake a lifelong program in order to eat it without bingeing?  It just seems so perverse to me — so, OK, I don’t have to judge others’ choices but know that choice is not what I choose .. I take a lot of pride in choosing to clean up my diet and i get a lot of feelings of security from making the life choice to give up certain things permanently.  Then when habit takes over and it becomes easy to live without the certain foods, I feel a lot of relief.  [later note: of course, learning moderation could be actually quite valid since it would require serious spiritual work; basically , the desire to overdo would have to be removed… though , to me, the food addict, that seems unsatisfying.. I seem to WANT the sort of thrill or charge of craving and overeating… interesting…. however, I still prefer giving up triggering foods altogether since … since…. it is just so, SO difficult to control one’s desire for too much of a triggering substance; and this has a physiological, a bacterial , basis: once the particular intestinal  bacteria which flourish in the presence of the triggering substance are given a little bit of that substance, and start to effloresce, and multiply, it must be a huge and very-possibly impossible job to resist the cravings that these bacteria do [scientific studies show] somehow create via the connection between the central and enteric (intestinal) nervous systems.. and so I feel that if one returns to a triggering substance after an absence from it , one takes a real risk…I dunno.  It’s said to be true of alcoholics who stop then restart drinking.  And not to be gloomy, but a life of abstinence is very much validated by many traditions — look at the Muslims, who don’t drink at all, etc…. alcohol being one of those substances, I am sure, which was studied in these scientific studies of the role of intestinal bacteria in food addictions…. and, by the way, I am sure intestinal bacteria also play a role in drug addictions, though drugs are not usually though of as acting on the intestinal system… I wish science might validate this… further thought:  my hesitancy to advocate abstinence reveals my terror of being rejected by a society that is so food-addicted that abstinence irrationally TERRIFIES it… I mean, be rational for a second: so, I have to live without junk food for the rest of my life… so WHAT???]  Anyway:  I had this raw cheese at the end of my 3-day relapse and just prior to the fast that began my new Day Count.  Fat from this cheese-containing, high-fat meal, by stressing my  liver, gave me the knee pain.

I used to get  it from sugar — knee pain, indicating liver stress.  This was when I was 24, 25, still eating sugar.  I stopped eating all sugar at age 26.  That’s when I got on my “Basic Food Plan” (as opposed to the more sober, bloat-preventing, plan I refer to as my current, “Day Count Food Plan –” of course I day-counted my adherence to my basic food plan in the beginning, too , and it was really joyful and affirming to collect in AA and even Overeaters Anonymous the medallions they give to people celebrating multiple years of sobriety)

As of this month, March/April,. I have 14 years of staying on a food plan — this Basic Plan —  that successfully keeps me at the weight I want to be at.  This is the major achievement of my life and I say that sincerely and without irony or sarcasm — I am amazed I have done this.. I think it is just that one can get accustomed to anything, even habits one is terribly attached to…

It really can be done. Yes!  I am thrilled as I write this.   I had to give up sugar like most heroin addicts have to give up heroin.  i was so profoundly addicted to and horrifyingly depressed by sugar/refined food.  I could scarcely think or speak, at my worst.  i could only crawl to work, crawl home, binge, crawl into bed, pass out, wake up, binge, pass out , wake up, and I am really mad now thinking about the fact that I was living this life with my parents just sitting there acting like everything was OK , having possibly precipitated this entire decline by kicking me out of their houses humiliatingly some time before that — my parents acting like everything was OK and a major part of their thinking being that things were okay “becuzzz sheeeeez eeeeeting.”  I spell it that way to highlight the utter venality and horror of their attitudes and the utter disrespect they harbored for my primary need in life, which I had vulnerably revealed to them, to LEARN TO PUSH AWAY THE FOOD if eating wasn’t OK with me — and thus restore my dignity and basic empowerment as a person.  They invalidated viciously this, my first and most important need (even though I was FAT then!!  they just sat there and, basically masturbatorily, like all of society, indulged their totally neurotic fears of my starvation, which even they knew were neurotic fears — i could see in their eyes that they KNEW my instinct to learn to push away the food if it was not OK with me , was CORRECT and UTTERLY NECESSARY.  i hope to expose in my fiction writing [which i hope to do] the UTTER DISGUSTINGNESS of their attitudes and the attitudes of other “Food rapists…”  this sounds shrill, but it’s … deep in me)… they , my parents, viciously invalidated my need to push away the food, and so communicated to me that I and my dignity were worth nothing.

I remember in the days I first started to get sober from sugar/processed food — April of 1996, just after the worst period I just referred to — i was 26 and I was living (no, existing, and barely) in Cambridge, Massachusetts, where Harvard is located–  i instinctively started reading the only religious or spiritual material I had around my rented room —   a 1928 Book of Common Prayer from the Episcopal Church that I had picked up somewhere because I remembered its having beautiful language in its liturgy.  My parents raised us Episcopalian.  mom was United Church of Christ and Dad had been Catholic.  Episc. was a compromise solution.   I liked the churches we went to for a while but then (when I was 9) my mom went to divinity school (at Yale, so she was with all these high-powered people, which was kind of nice).. but, anyway, she had to take a job as a seminarian, to fulfill the requirements of her M.Div. (master of Divinity) degree; and they made her change churches because our church at the time (My fave ever, Trinity Lime Rock in Lime Rock, Connecticut) had such a high proportion of elderly.  We were made all to attend a horrible church in a poorer town neighboring ours (Christ Church in Canaan , Connecticut), where we practically got beaten up in Sunday
School (ha!!  ) and my mom ended up having an affair (!!??!! unheard-of in our small town , sort of, though I can remember famous affairs which took place ,many between students and faculty (?!?!?)  at the prep school (i.e., ages 14 to 18, “college preparatory” — though some of the teachers were 22, 23) we lived at and at which my father taught [! amazing to think… makes me sad cause it’s all so surprising to me due to the fact that i can hardly bond with anyone, so how could 2 people go against social strictures to bond?  how could people be so bold and strong?  .. anyway, if only my mom had NOT been so bold and strong… ha! ]  .. my mom, as I say, ended up having an affair with the PRIEST of this church  (!!!?!?!?!?!?)  O.M.G. — what a wild scene — I am saying that lightly though I remember these years as the most miserable of my childhood. The phenomenal degree of my mother’s indiscretion actually makes me laugh now, though my  mom is still so abusive to me — it’s hard to think about her.  Oh, well — living well, for me,  is the best revenge, I have to believe.   Anyway, during my first period of getting sober/control , in my life,  I read the 1928 Prayer Book every morning before i drove to my horrifying job as a nanny; (where I had done a lot of bingeing — daily) and this little daily access to religion or spirituality  seemed to be something I needed, something appropriate to my effort of getting this basic sobriety from eating-when-eating-was-not-OK- with-me.  I don’t know why I suddenly wrote all that.  i think I must need some spiritual support during this time when i am trying to achieve this new level of food-sobriety and progress in fasting.

I have been thinking lately about my brother and sister and realizing with rather a lot of sort of shocking clarity the discrepancy between their lives and mine.  I compare myself with my brother and sister about every day.  Each of them  has income in the millions of dollars per year.  I live on $10,000 a year. But more than this — each of them is married, has 2 children (!!!! how did that happen??? this is my enduring question.  And how has it not happened to me???  I am sad.  why have I not been allowed a life?) i want to say that i get a lot of hope and feel assured of success if I just stay on my day -count way of food sobriety, which actually prevents bloating and is actually basically do-able, though it is hard — I want to be committed to getting used to it and just learning to live this way.  And to learning to fast in my new way.  The fasting will bring real healing and will make it easy to follow ANY food plan, much easier, because the fasting will heal me up and lift me out of the state of wanting to get high on food — or on anything.  … My point is that from years of attending Alcoholics Anonymous (for my food addiction) I have this sincere belief that if I am sober, EVERYTHING falls into place, and I have seen time and again in my life that this is true… whenever I have gotten more “food-sober” life has become so easy… and wehn I have succeeded in , say , 3-day fasts, I get so undepressed and full of life and hope.  Gretchen,  I have just got to fast and kill these damned intestinal bacteria, and things will be really OK for me!!! is crucial and staying sober is crucial but… I really get so happy when I think of how much easier my life is already getting with my new food-sobriety… I suspect that I will really have to make the serious commitment to a total and permanent cleanup of my diet — a sprouts-only diet — in order to succeed at long fasts, in order to get real relief from my sobriety… but, OK, I can deal with this a little bit at a time.. give up the triggering foods one at a time… I do think that my healing/sustained sobriety/success in fasting do depend most of all on my cleaning up my diet in a life-committed way.  Sorry for jargon-sounding speech — it must be so annoying to you , but…  anyway — I really do believe in what I am trying to do with my life and I do validate it despite my brother’s and sister’s seeming to have succeeded more.  i believe if I can heal myself , and I feel I am doing so, I will have succeeded at something truly valuable and important.

I have been dealing with some very scary  feelings lately , as I struggle to stop eating after the 400 calories of each 400-calorie-limit meal are finished. These feelings are terrifying and so painful for me and it is so good just to say that.  I am so vulnerable when I am in that state of sitting there over the last few bites of a meal and , though I am totally full, being desperate for more food.  In this state I am the most vulnerable maybe that it is possible to be.  … mainly because of (1) the true horror of the sadness — for me it isn’t just sadness but real terror — and (2) the trauma of not being sure that anybody will actually support me to push away the food instead of keep on eating when the food currently being eaten runs out.  My terror and trauma are just more than , I don’t know, more than my whole being.

I read this and realize I really need to clean up my writing . I want to do this!  To improve my writing and get so I am writing fiction.  oh, I can’t wait, to be able to satirize this whole world.   Gretchen, thanks for reading and for writing!!!!  Please write super-soon to say how everything is going!  How is the diet, the strategy, the decision about what foods to keep out?  I hope you are having a wonderful day. Congratulations , no CONGRATULATIONS on achieving a settled tummy, as you put it, by listening to yourself and fasting.


day count day 1 sat 3/27 blogging transgressions

March 28, 2010 at 7:29 am | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

today – brutalized self by sitting there beating and driving self to go to store and break fast when NOT OK WITH ME.


SElfhelp session for becoming willing to fast longer : turns up the idea taht YOU CAN GET USED TO ANYTHING





In this day count the required actions are not only lengthen fasts and do 400 acc max and do 2 h pre 100 cals but also do mental work and really truly become willing to FAST LLONGER EACH TIME and DO TIT ORGANICALLY and rreally really get willing truly willing.

I have to try and fast again soon.  i dont feel trylu wlling and have to work myself into willingnesss.  HOW?????????????

Letter to Dad: Day 2 of 5-Day Fast

March 15, 2010 at 5:50 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Here’s a letter to my dad, minus the shameful, incriminating first part in which I thank him for the hundreds of dollars he gives me this month for my automotive expenses.

(Dear Dad, etc.)

I have just found a place to live and hope for success in a final, confirming interview today, in which I have to convey, persuasively, but not so as to drive this person away, that I don’t want my door knocked on and do want basically to be left to my personal/writing projects and not importuned to provide idle chat… that’s what the Internet is for.  The place is really nice and really central; it’s in Sherman Oaks — a civilized, urban-but-with-green-lawns (multitudinous Starbuckses… which are homes-away-from-home for multitudinous TV and commercial and film and stage actor denizens, and neighbors of the largest Sam French [drama specialty] bookstore in America), professional-offices area (multitudinous therapists) 5 mins. to the Getty Museum, 30 mins to Malibu and 20 mins. to SHARE (Self-Help and Recovery Exchange), where I will now be able to work on starting my fasting group.  I have done a lot of work in that area on line since the end of last semester at art school.  I have made a number of fasting-support friends on line, some of whom I like so much I want to visit them, as soon as I can, really.  One woman, Janet, is in South Africa, and another woman, Gretchen, is in New Zealand.  They are both about 50.  There are a couple of girls, younger than I, in the UK.  We all write to each other several times a week.  Janet is a visual artist and so is Gretchen, as a matter of fact.  Janet makes “slideshows” and mini-films using software for that and using photos of her family.  The software distorts and photoshops her images, and it’s a lot of fun.  She sends me links to free downloads of the software and how to use it, but I haven’t tried it yet.  Maybe I will shortly.  It might be a really good project.  A lot of people apparently find it really therapeutic.  And when I went back to art school I could use that software to do coursework.  There are many courses in video at SMFA.  I have,as I mentioned previously, got in touch with a person who performs at Upright Citizens Brigade comedy theater who wants to teach me to write comedy just so he can practice teaching.  Now, living in S. Oaks, I will be able to get together with him at last — as soon as my writing gets a bit under way.  So ultimately all this personal work will become shows, though the personal work has to get done first.  Most importantly, I have started my blog on learning fasting, which I hope will basically become novels.  All the material is very relevant to culture right now, though you may not think so.  I hope that you come to respect my work.  Your attitude has been very rejecting and disrespectful.  Your expressions of fear and, really, loathing, have basically crushed and annihilated me.  After every time you say stuff like “you will die” etc. I am so destroyed it takes me about 2 months to become able to write again.   Your saying stuff like “you will die” — is not morally acceptable.  It is utterly violating and disrespectful; it is morally unacceptable because it is said without your even having tried to find out who I am and what I am going through.  It is horrifying.   I have been very intimidated and depressed by the various things you have said to me, since I am so sensitive.  I request you simply not comment if you do not have supportive things to say, and only fearful and disrespectful things (along the lines of “be careful” or “you will die.”  I simply have to ask you NOT TO SAY THINGS LIKE THIS since they are so totally, violatingly disrespectful.  I hope you understand.  If not, I hope you will refrain from making any comments anyway.)   Above all, and I figured this out in (daily) therapy, you and some unfortunately-influential  others have deprived me of the experience of being accepted.  All people need to be accepted, and at some stage they need to be accepted unconditionally.  I needed to be accepted even in case I do have a death-wish.  Everybody needs this level of acceptance from others, or at least from themselves, and they learn it by experiencing being accepted by others.  I guess I will never be respected or accepted by you.  I guess you are not capable of that.  This disappoints me, crushes, me actually, but I cannot tolerate any more comments in the vein of “you will die” or “be careful.”  This is VERY IMPORTANT.  Because I have had such a hard time, I can’t speak to you any more if you can’t respect me this way.  And guess what?  Some people do have a death-wish.  That’s life.  What such people need above all, really, is to be respected in this… and I think people develop a death-wish in fact because they need to find somewhere (yes, ultimately within themselves) that unconditional acceptance, that kind of respect.  I know that my writing is very necessary and very important and that what I have to say is very necessary and very important.  Everyone I meet thinks so, and I am letting you know now that you can’t beat me up any more or disrespect me by sitting there and saying to a serious person “you are a danger to yourself.” It is horrifying that you say things like that to me. It would not be morally acceptable even if it were true.  In the blog I want to rehearse letters to editors of various publications so I can provide critique of the mainstream attitudes to fasting (the NY Times, though it recognizes compulsive overeating as a genuine illness, persists in a most violent and oppressive way in pathologizing fasting — this SORT of attitude — ossified, repressive; and, strange as it may seem, rather rooted in its own unacknowledged pathological commitment to food addiction, which distorts the personality/creates this tendency to repressiveness  — is one of the keys to its growing irrelevance as a publication, in a way); also I need to write letters to the various horrifying psychotherapists whose garbage I have been oppressed by in the past.  It may sound fanatical, but I am serious about stating somehow the case for simply respecting/accepting others unconditionally. I hope to see the start of a movement which would make it as unacceptable to pathologize people who fast, or who just want the basic self-mastery and control and dignity and empowerment of being able to control what they eat, as it is now to pathologize gays.  I realize I am not providing any background and thus not being very, if at all, convincing.  I just couldn’t hold this in much longer.    If I didn’t lean so much toward fiction (when I can write it) I would like to make a documentary on the whole horrible oppressive medical culture.  Everybody who goes through what I go through feels this way and I know my work is very necessary and would be welcomed.  In a class last year at Santa Monica College I proposed such a documentary and the idea was very well received… Mostly my blog is to track my own progress.  I have been trying to start it for a long time.  I think I always felt too much alone, before, not that I need have; I just did.  I want to systematize this self-documentation and open the blog as a website for others to check in similarly.  Everyone loves my idea.


Starting 5-Day Fast With Support

March 14, 2010 at 8:16 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

am exhausted and it is the kind of false tiredness which is really intoxication from overeating.  Have not done anything horrible today, have merely been just bad enough.  Still, am finally positive-ish about fasting because it is time for my weekly fast NOW (actually 1 day or so past, but I fasted almost 24 hrs. over one day 2 days ago or so — kind of like a weekly fast  … I used to do these “natural” 24h fasts several times a week when I was not TRYING — the act of trying would seem to trigger vicious resistance and a compulsion to stuff self at every “opportunity,” every time i felt “entitled….” I live in a torment of just always wanting to get high [by eating] and terribly rarely being able to tolerate enough food to get that effect.  Horror. )

My essential task is to achieve a kind of sobriety.  It is overwhelmingly hard to get willing to get sober.  It seems  — what does it seem like?  It seems grim.  That is what it seems like.  It seems overwhelmingly, horribly grim.  It feels frightening, too.   I need to explore this.  I feel my resistance to be vaguely identified with my father’s very negative, alcohol-addicted , very working-class family.  The codependence I get from my mother makes me terrified to do things which that terribly afflicted family does not do, namely, do constructive things in life, and live sober.     .. This is all really upsetting and frightening to think about.   … It is always upsetting and frightening to be confronted with a need to start being more positive … I identify being positive with being upper-class… or do I?  My deepest desire is to be upper-class.  When something tries to tell me I have to be more spiritually-oriented in life, hold more spiritual values… I think I get terrified that this will … NOT LET ME BE UPPER CLASS?  interfere with my upward progress toward that empowerment I want?   I do  know  that positivity/sobriety just feel — too vulnerable.  Like I am being asked to give up needed protection.  Like, I really need to hate some people.  And giving up my faults, under the screaming abusive urgent exhortations of… essentially Mom — I guess Dad, too — it  — the giving-up– just cannot occur.     … this all comes from Mom refusing to respect me and let me be where I was at.     .. I cannot overestimate the absolutely crippling quality of my terror, my anxiety; my anxiety that I will be violated, eliminated, not allowed to BE; and the true horror of this devastation the anxiety warns me of.

The huge challenges are: to stop and cease to drive myself.  To stop and cease to try to annihilate my awareness, by forcing food into my own mouth.  Obviously.  But to hold myself when the anxiety DEMANDS I RUN, repress, DO this or that.  i am driven.  I have a thousand ways and instances of putting pressure on myself superstitiously and damagingly.

Anyway.  OK.  The raw cheese horror isn’t yet over.  I can’t even get myself to be willing to eat only WFM raw cheese, the only kind that isn’t absolutely dead and that isn’t like eating nothing-at-all-that-you-can-hardly-feel-yourself-eating-but-that-has-horrifying-billions-of-calories.  I have to have a full and planned and conscious “Farewell” to cheese, to dairy, really; (I can’t decide jsut after having had it that i will never have it again.  I have to know it is the last time…OK… but this is terribly sad) and I am not even willing to give up Trader Joez dead, horrifying, unfilling, totally triggering, unsatisfying cheez without a special “farewell” to that.  God!  I want the farewell to be over already.  I want to start a real day count.  … Maybe — just maybe — it is OK to postpone the farewell until it can be done satisfyingly and truly finally.   What I am trying to say is: I am recognizing my ambivalence.  I am aware that I don’t think a life without cheez will be tolerable.   I am AWARE of my ambivalence, and this is very good, so I can really explore it and work through it.    I have to work through this but I’m scared cause I am jsut too tired.   It seems I have so, so many things to work through, I will never work throughanything.  THis is horrible.  Why am i unable to get positive about fasting?  Cause it’s such an act of sobriety?  … It just seems grim.

Anyway, I have just had a “final meal” of all raw vegan things — no dairy, no cheez; and I am on my fast now.  I am hoping against hope I will keep this 5 days.  A girl, Kristin, has written me, proposing seriously a 5-day fast together.  She says, “I know you can do it.”  This actually seems.. palatable as a plan.  I had the thought of orchestrating a Malibu trip Friday, when the fast will be over (today’s Sunday), and violating myself with Tomberlies’ raw vegan ice cream as a reward for actually taking the fast.  But hey!  Come on!  Can’t I stay positive and functional?  Can’t I refrain from getting obliterated right after a fast will have made me strong?   …. and besides, I had better NOT do ANYTHING besides , like sprouts, or as non-triggering food as I can get.  So maybe Malibu would have to be postponed till the Sunday or so after the fast.  Probably I ought to wait a lot longer than that, even.  What I don’t like right now is how totally negative, self-indulgently so, and how extremely dark I sound.  The purpose of the blog is to reveal this, my negativity to me.

I didn’t want to write this entry and unwisely, compulsively forced myself to write it.



Help me please God.  THe only thing else left to say is: tonight I have to call up Sherman Oaks 66-year-old retired Jewish guy from Jersey who is unfortunately rather emotionally violent/codependent/ idiotic in the manner of semi-working-class people in spite of being an ex-journalist (in a somewhat small way, I gather)     Not the UCLA professor I would be most appropriately housed with — still it isn’t horrible .  (Hey!  Don’t I deserve better than “not horrible?   … Why have I not been able to look for a room with greater care and self-caring?  … Because I have been really depressed, and this has jsut triggered me to just incapacitate myself by stuffing myself day by day, instead of

This blog is the way up and out!!!!!

i am doing actual, productive work by writing this!

The only other thing is: i wrote many people yesterday after being abused-crisis by landlady and roommate — and I am cringing today because of having importuned everyone.  I am so sad and alone and frightened.  i need to wrie this.  I need to write that I am sad and alone and frightened.

By the way, I got up 4/4:30 am today with determination to get on an early schedule.  Got up, did my sprouts, then dismantled and cleaned the entire household’s refrigerator.  … did landlady utter one syllable of gratitude?  … Actually, no.  Not one word.  Despite I had only gotten the idea to do it yesterday after she complained of having to do it herself.  I said I would do it.  She responded positively, excitedly, even.    … Was I wrong to do it 4:30 am?  Well, I started 5 am but really it was 4, to people, b/c DST had just started that night… I dunno how much noise could be heard.  I was quite quiet.   She did come down, 5 or 6 or something a.m.  Immediately yelling 5 different complaints about what I was doing.  Oh, no — that was later, when I was reassembling everything EXACTLY AS I HAD FOUND IT.    More abuse this a.m. from the Fat Abuser, the other tenant.  She goes into bath, for I do nto know how long.  i need etui, just to remove it from closet, to take it away, and wash it, total time required 0.5 seconds: open door, open cabinet, grab etui, don’t even need to step into room.  But I get the FAt Abuser, Youthful-Skin-Preserving-And -General-Vitality-Enhancing, Rageful Response:  “i’m Going to the Bathroom.”  “Sorry — i jsut need to grab one thing,” I protest.  “Can I GO TO THE BATHROOM? ” it screams.  Locking the door.   …. WHAT THE FUCK????????

there is so much more to write but throat hurts, a sign I am straining myself.  goddammit.  Kristin hasn’t written me,

I have to get really serious about fasting and I have to get really serious about sobriety — 2 hrs per 100 cals waiting time always, and 400 cal max per sitting strict rule always.  I am almost at the point of actually capitulating and following these rules , as the real requirements for functionality that they indeed are — but like today I justified to myself eating 600 cals to begin the fast — I thought having a “treat” would increase my willingness to fast.  … What it did was bloat me and cause me to lo    BUT I CAN SEE NO ALTERNATIVE.  I CANNOT CONCEIVEOF BEGINNING A FAST ON 400 CALORIES…   I MUST CONCEIVE OF THIS… after writing it seems feasible — easy, even.  i can imagine ways to do it.   “satiating” ways.  I know I need to require of myself a writing /blogging I guess practice of several hours per day.


OK — I am OK.  i just have to fast these 5 days


I was going to tell myself that the fast would actually bring about the destruction of these fuckers in my life, the landlady and its henchman, the Fat Abuser.  Oh!  If only this could make me willing to fast.  FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK WHY CAN’T I FUCKING FAST?????????????

WHY CAN’T I FUCKING FAST???????????????????????????

Idea of Seriousness

March 13, 2010 at 7:12 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

I am too tired to write.

I want to self-analyze in a way that gets me to fast.

I theorize, or intuit, that it may be necessary to make a daily  practice of this self-analysis, or self-documentation (in the sense of merely recording what I think, feel, and do — so things become clear to me).  I am discouraged at this thought.

I know that my pride demands I succeed at this fasting; so there is a kind of compulsivity about my project; but fasting it is a valid goal for my health, which will only be helped by fasting at some length, regularly & quite frequently.  I am convinced of this and do understand it.  Everything I have read and everything I have experienced substantiate this idea.   I need to register also the torment of being condemned for being the slightest bit compulsive about learning to fast.

I understand that (1) I need to fast and (2) I depend on food emotionally to such an extent that fasting is really difficult.  The emotional suffering seems to be the major difficulty I have in progressing to fasting at length.

What is the nature of this emotional dependence?  I know I feel it.  I know it is overwhelming.  I know I am very afraid to confront it, as though I will get in trouble if I do face it – as if facing it would constitute an act of self-harshness that would harm me.

It may be useful to tease out my exact thoughts.   It may be helpful , to a great extent, just to practice a bit of cognitive therapy,illuminating and challenging

I want to create a plan for learning how to fast.  I want to create a structure for this blog.

I have a powerful impulse just to set down My Story — in several senses.  I want to wrie about what has happened to me today and yesterday.  I want to write a history of my recent development.

Sprouting now, Horror as Try to Fast

March 3, 2010 at 2:43 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

I.m up and it is too early and I went to bed 1:30 am last night.

Wrote several letters last night so a b.m. this morning but dry as apples dried me out (and aged me)

Going to sprout now in spite of horror houseguest in living room.  It has gotten tot he point where it is cruel to myself not to sprout.

Better with fude rapist landlady as her other tenant has just stolen the $1000 laptop!  Hah!  Hahahahahaha!

I m the valued tenant now.

I have to go sprout but then waht: sleep I guess.  f*cking fast wont get started today unless I start it noontime

Noonish is next real permissible time to eat based on 2 h per 100.  I am allowing myself to reclaim my day count of adhering to waiting 2 h per 100 calories if I restore it by waiting til noonish today to eat which is fine and which I can do.

Have to sprout now

What is the diet plan now?

mungs I guess

Ok flax too

sesame also




42-Hour Fast: Trying to Become Positive About Fasting/Willing to Fast

March 3, 2010 at 7:48 am | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

I need to express myself.  I need to tell what is going on with me.  I am too tired to do it right now.  I have just published my half-written introduction to this blog.  I have needed to publish something, to feel I am doing real work in the world.

I want to be very tender toward myself.  i am embarrassed about how this sounds so far.

I have had a painful day.  It started out not-badly.  I wanted to start my 42-hour fast.  …. i so horribly want the “comfort” of food now, and this is really painful.  It’s horrible.  Why can’t I get willing to fast?  it is terrifying. 

I have been looking up people from hotchkiss and yale on google.  I hesitated to name these places, but what the hell.  I feel rejected by all of them.  I am ashamed and very, very sad. 

I want this to be a really helpful and widely -read blog.  I want to work on it every day.  I want the blog to be helpful first of all to me. 

My goal is to fast 10 days severeal times per year — to achieve this regular practice. 

Right now I felt I ought to get serious about what I really want, what the “real problem” or the bottom line is.  It is hard to do this when one is living, as I am, in a state of terror generated by others’ rejection of everything important to one.  I don’t want to “come down” or “get realistic” in my goals because people have so disrespected my ideals — I have no assurance I will reach them or am allowed to — I have no sense that anyone else is willing to support me in atttaining what I value.

Still I am too terrified to concentrate, even though I can articulat the above — which is something.

I had this painful day.  I waited til 10 30 am or so to eat: good.  That’s 2 hrs. per 100 calories at least.  I ate 600 calories at that point; not great; should have been 400, but I told myself it was necessary to do this as a placating “treat” that would give me the crucial willingness to fast… OK… at least it was honestly measured, the caloric content.

But in the afternoon: first, I was depressed.  This because in the 600 cals. was apples: depression time bomb.  It was terrfying to be depressed.  Because I have no real comfort besides fude; and it is NOT OK with me to use the fude; and because there is NO SUPPORT not to use the fude.  Iti s an altogether horrifying situation.  I think lately my ONLY comfort and pleasure is food.  This is a true state of horror.  I am so down.  I … then.. in the evening I lost the fast.  I couldn’t even wait till the proper time to eat after the 600 calories (12 hrs. would have been 11:15 pm.  And it is hard to have such doubts about this as well. is it too harsh?  Is this too little food altogether??  Good to write this down as it dispels these fears… nice.)

Anyway so I sat there and horribly violated myself; 600 cals at 6 pm; and I was in such despair I could not even sit still and figure out a way to act… so as not to violate myself so so badly.  i am too tired to go into the horrible thought process and rationalizations.   I was totally unhungry for the food, it was a total violation of myself, and afterward, horribly painful bloating.  I didn’t take an enema, but I needed to.

I need to fast.  i need to fast 10 days straight.  i need to write a lot more about all this tomorrow.

Introduction and Statement of Purpose

March 3, 2010 at 7:25 am | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

The following is a work in progress.  It’s an introduction to this blog which I hope will make the blog interesting/acceptable to people who might otherwise not be receptive to it.    Subsequent posts jump right into the material I want really to concentrate on in this blog. 

It is important to me, and has been important to me for a long time, to refrain from eating when I don’t want to eat.  As soon as I write this I am ashamed.  This is partly a reflexive convulsion of feeling. 

I am strongly, urgently ashamed every time I speak.  i can only examine thi s with any equanimity if I view it as a physiological   stemming froma  physiological phenomenon.  … So thi s shaem is not the result of much reflection.  It is , as I say, a reflex.  it is potent because I just crave potency and treat myself roughly this way a great deal.

I am ashamed because I wish to devote time and attention to achieving this control.  I have been taught that to

I  imagine myself at a cocktail party.   A famous one or another of my ivy-league-school classmates comes within range of me and we start to tell each other what we work on each day, what our lives focus on.  All I know is that I ama bad person; that what is important to me, this achievement of control, is unacceptable.  Imagine my saying to this person I am talking to : “Well, I am concentrating on

I am angry at all these people who went to like veterinary school or got Harvard MBAs and     I am angry that I was not told I could get a Harvard MBA.  I am furious that I am outside society.

I belong to a society of outcasts.  it is my mission to indict convincingly the society which has pathologized us. 

The shame seems to arise

 I am not capable of so refraining, and I am determined through writing this blog to achieve this. 

I am committing time and effort to what I have been taught is a matter not worthy of attention.  I am almost overwhelmed with guilt, or fear; a sense of my own wrongdoing

 I was taught not, in life, to do any number of things that I have just committed by writing this first sentence.     … or, somehow, a terrible feeling of fear and sadness; of terror; of huge, unmanageable , frightening, unacceptable bad-feeling, depression — comes over me when I write this sentence.     … I have done something wrong.  I have asserted that soemthing is wrong.  Ihave asserted that I feel bad.  I have said that there is no solution.  I have introduced something frightening into the environment.  I have introduced somethign uncontrolllable into the environment.  Something is very bad and wrong about what I am doing.

I recognize this as the neurotic reaction of my father.  He has a terror of all bad feeling.  It is terrifying to be around him.  Somehow something is profoundly dangerous. 

Iknow that I feel bad.  I know that there is no solution.  I know that there will be terrible consequences.  I am frightened .  I am frightened.  I am frightened. 

For a long time I have been unable to refrain from this.  The purpose of this blog is to transform myself so that I do so refrain.  It has taken me three days to formulate these statements.  I have cried several hours in the course of my attempts to   I cry because I do not wish to be judged a bad person.  I cry because I cannot justify myself to the satisfaction of

I live in agony.  I am alone.  The things that are important to me are not considered valid by others.  It is of the utmost importance to me to push away food when I do not want it.   I am mostly unable to push away the food.  I am screamed at for being upset about this.

It is of the utmost importance.

My first instinct would be to say:

I state the problem in this way because

I will spend a little time on semantics because they are revealing and may establish some credibility.  In the first place,

I want, and have wanted for a long time, to be free from eating that is not

acceptable to me.  The purpose of this blog is to bring myself to this freedom

What do I mean by this?

it is my life’s work to overcome this and become a strong person

I suffer a great deal and very upsettingly at present from being compelled to eat while this is not OK with me.  This results in devastating emotional trauma, which I wish to treat as valid and not something to be re-

I feel the obligation to explain and give background.  This is a situation which I must, for self-therapeutic reasons, make quite precise

and thus am continually undergoing a trauma of violation.   I am interested mainly in the emotional and psychological trauma, though

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