42-Hour Fast: Trying to Become Positive About Fasting/Willing to Fast

March 3, 2010 at 7:48 am | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

I need to express myself.  I need to tell what is going on with me.  I am too tired to do it right now.  I have just published my half-written introduction to this blog.  I have needed to publish something, to feel I am doing real work in the world.

I want to be very tender toward myself.  i am embarrassed about how this sounds so far.

I have had a painful day.  It started out not-badly.  I wanted to start my 42-hour fast.  …. i so horribly want the “comfort” of food now, and this is really painful.  It’s horrible.  Why can’t I get willing to fast?  it is terrifying. 

I have been looking up people from hotchkiss and yale on google.  I hesitated to name these places, but what the hell.  I feel rejected by all of them.  I am ashamed and very, very sad. 

I want this to be a really helpful and widely -read blog.  I want to work on it every day.  I want the blog to be helpful first of all to me. 

My goal is to fast 10 days severeal times per year — to achieve this regular practice. 

Right now I felt I ought to get serious about what I really want, what the “real problem” or the bottom line is.  It is hard to do this when one is living, as I am, in a state of terror generated by others’ rejection of everything important to one.  I don’t want to “come down” or “get realistic” in my goals because people have so disrespected my ideals — I have no assurance I will reach them or am allowed to — I have no sense that anyone else is willing to support me in atttaining what I value.

Still I am too terrified to concentrate, even though I can articulat the above — which is something.

I had this painful day.  I waited til 10 30 am or so to eat: good.  That’s 2 hrs. per 100 calories at least.  I ate 600 calories at that point; not great; should have been 400, but I told myself it was necessary to do this as a placating “treat” that would give me the crucial willingness to fast… OK… at least it was honestly measured, the caloric content.

But in the afternoon: first, I was depressed.  This because in the 600 cals. was apples: depression time bomb.  It was terrfying to be depressed.  Because I have no real comfort besides fude; and it is NOT OK with me to use the fude; and because there is NO SUPPORT not to use the fude.  Iti s an altogether horrifying situation.  I think lately my ONLY comfort and pleasure is food.  This is a true state of horror.  I am so down.  I … then.. in the evening I lost the fast.  I couldn’t even wait till the proper time to eat after the 600 calories (12 hrs. would have been 11:15 pm.  And it is hard to have such doubts about this as well. is it too harsh?  Is this too little food altogether??  Good to write this down as it dispels these fears… nice.)

Anyway so I sat there and horribly violated myself; 600 cals at 6 pm; and I was in such despair I could not even sit still and figure out a way to act… so as not to violate myself so so badly.  i am too tired to go into the horrible thought process and rationalizations.   I was totally unhungry for the food, it was a total violation of myself, and afterward, horribly painful bloating.  I didn’t take an enema, but I needed to.

I need to fast.  i need to fast 10 days straight.  i need to write a lot more about all this tomorrow.

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