Introduction and Statement of Purpose

March 3, 2010 at 7:25 am | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

The following is a work in progress.  It’s an introduction to this blog which I hope will make the blog interesting/acceptable to people who might otherwise not be receptive to it.    Subsequent posts jump right into the material I want really to concentrate on in this blog. 

It is important to me, and has been important to me for a long time, to refrain from eating when I don’t want to eat.  As soon as I write this I am ashamed.  This is partly a reflexive convulsion of feeling. 

I am strongly, urgently ashamed every time I speak.  i can only examine thi s with any equanimity if I view it as a physiological   stemming froma  physiological phenomenon.  … So thi s shaem is not the result of much reflection.  It is , as I say, a reflex.  it is potent because I just crave potency and treat myself roughly this way a great deal.

I am ashamed because I wish to devote time and attention to achieving this control.  I have been taught that to

I  imagine myself at a cocktail party.   A famous one or another of my ivy-league-school classmates comes within range of me and we start to tell each other what we work on each day, what our lives focus on.  All I know is that I ama bad person; that what is important to me, this achievement of control, is unacceptable.  Imagine my saying to this person I am talking to : “Well, I am concentrating on

I am angry at all these people who went to like veterinary school or got Harvard MBAs and     I am angry that I was not told I could get a Harvard MBA.  I am furious that I am outside society.

I belong to a society of outcasts.  it is my mission to indict convincingly the society which has pathologized us. 

The shame seems to arise

 I am not capable of so refraining, and I am determined through writing this blog to achieve this. 

I am committing time and effort to what I have been taught is a matter not worthy of attention.  I am almost overwhelmed with guilt, or fear; a sense of my own wrongdoing

 I was taught not, in life, to do any number of things that I have just committed by writing this first sentence.     … or, somehow, a terrible feeling of fear and sadness; of terror; of huge, unmanageable , frightening, unacceptable bad-feeling, depression — comes over me when I write this sentence.     … I have done something wrong.  I have asserted that soemthing is wrong.  Ihave asserted that I feel bad.  I have said that there is no solution.  I have introduced something frightening into the environment.  I have introduced somethign uncontrolllable into the environment.  Something is very bad and wrong about what I am doing.

I recognize this as the neurotic reaction of my father.  He has a terror of all bad feeling.  It is terrifying to be around him.  Somehow something is profoundly dangerous. 

Iknow that I feel bad.  I know that there is no solution.  I know that there will be terrible consequences.  I am frightened .  I am frightened.  I am frightened. 

For a long time I have been unable to refrain from this.  The purpose of this blog is to transform myself so that I do so refrain.  It has taken me three days to formulate these statements.  I have cried several hours in the course of my attempts to   I cry because I do not wish to be judged a bad person.  I cry because I cannot justify myself to the satisfaction of

I live in agony.  I am alone.  The things that are important to me are not considered valid by others.  It is of the utmost importance to me to push away food when I do not want it.   I am mostly unable to push away the food.  I am screamed at for being upset about this.

It is of the utmost importance.

My first instinct would be to say:

I state the problem in this way because

I will spend a little time on semantics because they are revealing and may establish some credibility.  In the first place,

I want, and have wanted for a long time, to be free from eating that is not

acceptable to me.  The purpose of this blog is to bring myself to this freedom

What do I mean by this?

it is my life’s work to overcome this and become a strong person

I suffer a great deal and very upsettingly at present from being compelled to eat while this is not OK with me.  This results in devastating emotional trauma, which I wish to treat as valid and not something to be re-

I feel the obligation to explain and give background.  This is a situation which I must, for self-therapeutic reasons, make quite precise

and thus am continually undergoing a trauma of violation.   I am interested mainly in the emotional and psychological trauma, though


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