Idea of Seriousness

March 13, 2010 at 7:12 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

I am too tired to write.

I want to self-analyze in a way that gets me to fast.

I theorize, or intuit, that it may be necessary to make a daily  practice of this self-analysis, or self-documentation (in the sense of merely recording what I think, feel, and do — so things become clear to me).  I am discouraged at this thought.

I know that my pride demands I succeed at this fasting; so there is a kind of compulsivity about my project; but fasting it is a valid goal for my health, which will only be helped by fasting at some length, regularly & quite frequently.  I am convinced of this and do understand it.  Everything I have read and everything I have experienced substantiate this idea.   I need to register also the torment of being condemned for being the slightest bit compulsive about learning to fast.

I understand that (1) I need to fast and (2) I depend on food emotionally to such an extent that fasting is really difficult.  The emotional suffering seems to be the major difficulty I have in progressing to fasting at length.

What is the nature of this emotional dependence?  I know I feel it.  I know it is overwhelming.  I know I am very afraid to confront it, as though I will get in trouble if I do face it – as if facing it would constitute an act of self-harshness that would harm me.

It may be useful to tease out my exact thoughts.   It may be helpful , to a great extent, just to practice a bit of cognitive therapy,illuminating and challenging

I want to create a plan for learning how to fast.  I want to create a structure for this blog.

I have a powerful impulse just to set down My Story — in several senses.  I want to wrie about what has happened to me today and yesterday.  I want to write a history of my recent development.

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