Starting 5-Day Fast With Support

March 14, 2010 at 8:16 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

am exhausted and it is the kind of false tiredness which is really intoxication from overeating.  Have not done anything horrible today, have merely been just bad enough.  Still, am finally positive-ish about fasting because it is time for my weekly fast NOW (actually 1 day or so past, but I fasted almost 24 hrs. over one day 2 days ago or so — kind of like a weekly fast  … I used to do these “natural” 24h fasts several times a week when I was not TRYING — the act of trying would seem to trigger vicious resistance and a compulsion to stuff self at every “opportunity,” every time i felt “entitled….” I live in a torment of just always wanting to get high [by eating] and terribly rarely being able to tolerate enough food to get that effect.  Horror. )

My essential task is to achieve a kind of sobriety.  It is overwhelmingly hard to get willing to get sober.  It seems  — what does it seem like?  It seems grim.  That is what it seems like.  It seems overwhelmingly, horribly grim.  It feels frightening, too.   I need to explore this.  I feel my resistance to be vaguely identified with my father’s very negative, alcohol-addicted , very working-class family.  The codependence I get from my mother makes me terrified to do things which that terribly afflicted family does not do, namely, do constructive things in life, and live sober.     .. This is all really upsetting and frightening to think about.   … It is always upsetting and frightening to be confronted with a need to start being more positive … I identify being positive with being upper-class… or do I?  My deepest desire is to be upper-class.  When something tries to tell me I have to be more spiritually-oriented in life, hold more spiritual values… I think I get terrified that this will … NOT LET ME BE UPPER CLASS?  interfere with my upward progress toward that empowerment I want?   I do  know  that positivity/sobriety just feel — too vulnerable.  Like I am being asked to give up needed protection.  Like, I really need to hate some people.  And giving up my faults, under the screaming abusive urgent exhortations of… essentially Mom — I guess Dad, too — it  — the giving-up– just cannot occur.     … this all comes from Mom refusing to respect me and let me be where I was at.     .. I cannot overestimate the absolutely crippling quality of my terror, my anxiety; my anxiety that I will be violated, eliminated, not allowed to BE; and the true horror of this devastation the anxiety warns me of.

The huge challenges are: to stop and cease to drive myself.  To stop and cease to try to annihilate my awareness, by forcing food into my own mouth.  Obviously.  But to hold myself when the anxiety DEMANDS I RUN, repress, DO this or that.  i am driven.  I have a thousand ways and instances of putting pressure on myself superstitiously and damagingly.

Anyway.  OK.  The raw cheese horror isn’t yet over.  I can’t even get myself to be willing to eat only WFM raw cheese, the only kind that isn’t absolutely dead and that isn’t like eating nothing-at-all-that-you-can-hardly-feel-yourself-eating-but-that-has-horrifying-billions-of-calories.  I have to have a full and planned and conscious “Farewell” to cheese, to dairy, really; (I can’t decide jsut after having had it that i will never have it again.  I have to know it is the last time…OK… but this is terribly sad) and I am not even willing to give up Trader Joez dead, horrifying, unfilling, totally triggering, unsatisfying cheez without a special “farewell” to that.  God!  I want the farewell to be over already.  I want to start a real day count.  … Maybe — just maybe — it is OK to postpone the farewell until it can be done satisfyingly and truly finally.   What I am trying to say is: I am recognizing my ambivalence.  I am aware that I don’t think a life without cheez will be tolerable.   I am AWARE of my ambivalence, and this is very good, so I can really explore it and work through it.    I have to work through this but I’m scared cause I am jsut too tired.   It seems I have so, so many things to work through, I will never work throughanything.  THis is horrible.  Why am i unable to get positive about fasting?  Cause it’s such an act of sobriety?  … It just seems grim.

Anyway, I have just had a “final meal” of all raw vegan things — no dairy, no cheez; and I am on my fast now.  I am hoping against hope I will keep this 5 days.  A girl, Kristin, has written me, proposing seriously a 5-day fast together.  She says, “I know you can do it.”  This actually seems.. palatable as a plan.  I had the thought of orchestrating a Malibu trip Friday, when the fast will be over (today’s Sunday), and violating myself with Tomberlies’ raw vegan ice cream as a reward for actually taking the fast.  But hey!  Come on!  Can’t I stay positive and functional?  Can’t I refrain from getting obliterated right after a fast will have made me strong?   …. and besides, I had better NOT do ANYTHING besides , like sprouts, or as non-triggering food as I can get.  So maybe Malibu would have to be postponed till the Sunday or so after the fast.  Probably I ought to wait a lot longer than that, even.  What I don’t like right now is how totally negative, self-indulgently so, and how extremely dark I sound.  The purpose of the blog is to reveal this, my negativity to me.

I didn’t want to write this entry and unwisely, compulsively forced myself to write it.

THERE IS SO , SO, SO MUCH TO WRITE

THE MAIN LESSON LATELY IS: DO NOT , DO NOT, DO NOT FORCE YOURSELF TO DO…. ANY….. THING!!!!

Help me please God.  THe only thing else left to say is: tonight I have to call up Sherman Oaks 66-year-old retired Jewish guy from Jersey who is unfortunately rather emotionally violent/codependent/ idiotic in the manner of semi-working-class people in spite of being an ex-journalist (in a somewhat small way, I gather)     Not the UCLA professor I would be most appropriately housed with — still it isn’t horrible .  (Hey!  Don’t I deserve better than “not horrible?   … Why have I not been able to look for a room with greater care and self-caring?  … Because I have been really depressed, and this has jsut triggered me to just incapacitate myself by stuffing myself day by day, instead of

This blog is the way up and out!!!!!

i am doing actual, productive work by writing this!

The only other thing is: i wrote many people yesterday after being abused-crisis by landlady and roommate — and I am cringing today because of having importuned everyone.  I am so sad and alone and frightened.  i need to wrie this.  I need to write that I am sad and alone and frightened.

By the way, I got up 4/4:30 am today with determination to get on an early schedule.  Got up, did my sprouts, then dismantled and cleaned the entire household’s refrigerator.  … did landlady utter one syllable of gratitude?  … Actually, no.  Not one word.  Despite I had only gotten the idea to do it yesterday after she complained of having to do it herself.  I said I would do it.  She responded positively, excitedly, even.    … Was I wrong to do it 4:30 am?  Well, I started 5 am but really it was 4, to people, b/c DST had just started that night… I dunno how much noise could be heard.  I was quite quiet.   She did come down, 5 or 6 or something a.m.  Immediately yelling 5 different complaints about what I was doing.  Oh, no — that was later, when I was reassembling everything EXACTLY AS I HAD FOUND IT.    More abuse this a.m. from the Fat Abuser, the other tenant.  She goes into bath, for I do nto know how long.  i need etui, just to remove it from closet, to take it away, and wash it, total time required 0.5 seconds: open door, open cabinet, grab etui, don’t even need to step into room.  But I get the FAt Abuser, Youthful-Skin-Preserving-And -General-Vitality-Enhancing, Rageful Response:  “i’m Going to the Bathroom.”  “Sorry — i jsut need to grab one thing,” I protest.  “Can I GO TO THE BATHROOM? ” it screams.  Locking the door.   …. WHAT THE FUCK????????

there is so much more to write but throat hurts, a sign I am straining myself.  goddammit.  Kristin hasn’t written me,

I have to get really serious about fasting and I have to get really serious about sobriety — 2 hrs per 100 cals waiting time always, and 400 cal max per sitting strict rule always.  I am almost at the point of actually capitulating and following these rules , as the real requirements for functionality that they indeed are — but like today I justified to myself eating 600 cals to begin the fast — I thought having a “treat” would increase my willingness to fast.  … What it did was bloat me and cause me to lo    BUT I CAN SEE NO ALTERNATIVE.  I CANNOT CONCEIVEOF BEGINNING A FAST ON 400 CALORIES…   I MUST CONCEIVE OF THIS… after writing it seems feasible — easy, even.  i can imagine ways to do it.   “satiating” ways.  I know I need to require of myself a writing /blogging I guess practice of several hours per day.

FUCK!!!!!!!

OK — I am OK.  i just have to fast these 5 days

(HOW THE FUCK AM I GOING TO DO THAT????????????)

I was going to tell myself that the fast would actually bring about the destruction of these fuckers in my life, the landlady and its henchman, the Fat Abuser.  Oh!  If only this could make me willing to fast.  FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK WHY CAN’T I FUCKING FAST?????????????

WHY CAN’T I FUCKING FAST???????????????????????????

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