DAY 3: day 1 of ENGAGED vigorous workouts

March 30, 2010 at 5:43 am | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

I WORKED OUT TODAY

lots to say about it

tragically I could not yield to its healing

It made me exhausted

I ought to have rested and gone to bed and to sleep and I ought to have pushed away the food.  instead I f*cked myself as usua,l brutally driving self to grocery store against every cell in my body’s pleas to stop, stop, do not eat

after eating — so exhausted — the intestinal effect.

I am really , really lonly now.

I need to sty away from Kein.  He isn’t on my level.  i hurt him today.  he made to offer to re-set up the rapist-landlord confrontation but I without even

I am socially terrified.

I am registering a LOT OF SHAME about my rejection by J McH on facebook.  and I am so ashamed of myself thinking of how m nordhs would also reject me and ondi timoner   I think they all did reject me at yale in the end, they just avoided me so as not to make this explicit.

I need to feel I am valid and valuable

I am tormented by images of self as importunate self-centered vacant blank boring sliming Nothing-Person… nothing-to-say.  i need a MUCH more compassionate self-view and an understanding of WHERE this paralysis comes from and that it is not really who I am and that I am a good nice person with many many things to say and so much to offer like T mark says

Other contents of my daily fantasies:I am also

dream the other night I was unfaithfu to tim mar. with russell epstien or the other way around.  and was caught and was so crippled by self-disgust

I have GOT to get gentler with self

I will work out again tomorrow and I NEED TO LET IT AFFECT AND REALLY HEAL ME

I was indeed so healed by tit today I was forced to some extent t let it affect me

PAFFED until 4 pm today tho “entitled” to eat 11 am.. this due to workout but should have paffed so much more

a lot of the tiem i am terribly driven and go on doing tasks tho I need rest, because I am so ashamed of my nonproductivity

i have called Bosmi, returning her 2 calls of yesterday

I ought to write back Melanie , new rather nice contact , but too tired

Yesterday the 7 hours of letterwriting made me really connected and SECURE — I wasn’t reflexively cowering and cringing at every thought of my own daily agenda and how my barbaric household would condemn this.  i live with truly dangerous and unkidn people

God, please help me to change this.

God, please gently help me get gentle and really rest and really push away the food ALL THE WAY up until my body is ABSOLUTELY OK with eating again.

So, 400 cals at 4 pm today and — bad news — complsed to do 400 cals 1 am instead of sleep.

I feel very very decent

I am looking forward to working out tmw

I ALMOST GOT POWERFUL AND STRONG TODAY.  I AM ALMOST THERE.  I AM ALMOST WELL

and i TALKED TO jUAN TODAY.  aNOTHER GOOD STEP TOWARD limiting my frendships to people who are really on my level, highclass people, I can’t think of a satisfying diplomatic way to say what I mean.

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