DAY FOUR: actually pushing away the food (4-Hour Rule)

March 31, 2010 at 12:52 am | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

there’s a new rule today — if I can’t , … if eating is not Ok with me I have to wait 4 hours beyond the legal time

Definition of my trauma: forcibly “justifying” eating with rapist fucker totally invalid and utterly intuition-raping “justifications” based on food-rapist society’s rigid threat-backed “fude rules” commanding overwhelming and pathologically frequent food consumption.  “Euuuwwhaffftaeeet.”  I eat in spite of NOT BEING AT ALL CONVINCED OF THIS HORRIFICALLY SICK THINKING, ON ANY LEVEL.

too tired to write

fucker roommate fucker fucker fucker  but please god let him be safe and actually compliant  as I dare suspect he may be

so last nite horror totally brutalized self w/400 actually 500? cals totally unable to tolerate.

Now it is quarter to six pm and I have notyet eaten

I HAVE WORKED OUT

i DID oK.  Still very lazy and horrifyingly unable to make self TRY.  and really work out as hard as possible.  I get to the point where it is hard and i so sleazily dishonestly don’t try.

i SILL have to do gymnastics and run

I actually am daring to have these PAFFING rules.  The 4-hour rule.  i dare to think of hoping that I may be actually phasing myself into a real fast.

And a real fast that is sober and self-respectful i.e. does not entail bingeing beforehand.  Sucks not tobe able to binge.  that is the general theme

i feel Ok.  better of course with the reduced eating.

to feel good, I would have to stop eating right now at least another 24 hours?

my 36 h fast is coming soon i guess  FUCK  I need to get positive. and REALLY positive.

thinking of Hotchkiss: jennifer little.  lawn beside Buehler and in late summer the kids outside there.  FAll and its distinctive light  well it is actually rather painful.s.

only other thing to note is the TORTURE of sleazily being unable to push away the fude and .. the insecurity and indeterminateness of this whole new way.  when will i ever be able to eat again?  will i starve?

i still have real shame and terror about my body , so thin, but looked at myself today and rehearsed that I AM ACCEPTABLE and I look fine.

— am merely in a place where I need to vent a lot.  I have 4 days on my Day Count today.  (400 cal per meal, lengthening fasts committedly, spacing meals 2 hours: 100 cals…. sheer grimness and torture… how have I gotten through it????   But I have GOT TO AFFIRM it because it makes me SO MUCH BETTER PHYSICALLY… better than I have ever felt for any period of tiem for a long time.  i still don’t feel good, but I am really getting there, especially the more willing I am to push away the food when it really isn’t Ok with me.. I am working on this.. see below)

I have worked out again today .  I still have a little running (down the block only but better than zero) and gymnastics to do – but I put in OK effort and I am still really positive about getting strong again finally.

i have not eaten yet today and may actually .. be… phasing myself into an actual fast, a natural and unforced one, and therefore one before which I will not binge and God maybe even one which I will not end up breaking against my own will and against my body’s pleas for more of a fast.  I am , however, tortured, still, because of being unable to push away the food as my body is ever-more-strongly prompting me to do.  The 400-cal program , I believe, is strengthening my body’s resistance to my eating-when-eating-is-not-OK-with-me.  I feel this resistance strongly and yet I still can’t quite yet just push away the food if it is an “appointed”/”legal” time to eat.   I had a desperately unhappy and physicaly torturing episode of this last night — whipping myself off to the 24-hour Wal-Mart at 1 am in spite of exhaustion AND the total inability to tolerate food — because I was so compulsed.  It was horrible.  i notice, with self-forgiveness, but I notice, that when I violate myself this way I take it out on people — not that their offensiveness to me does not bear my reacting to it, but… it is so scary to get angry in public and not be able to control it.  I often get humiliated because others are more skilled at fighting.  Sucks.

God, I should take my own advice and get to my own support groups.. i will be able to once I move to my new place, in town (LA) … tho these groups are really not that good…

I guess I have to go.  I have not gotten done anything I was supposed to get done today, but resting and sleeping  and then working out were much more important.  i am a bit scared, though, because I have to register my car and have only 1 day to do it now, and also I said I would stop by my new apartment (with the problem roommate — will tell you later) to pick up the remote for the garage but may not be able to go now — and so will have to call this creep up on the phone and tell him I have to come tomorrow.  i so do not want to speak to IT (I refuse to call it “him.”).  He has really humiliated me so much.  I am so furious also that it thinks it can just call me up on my phone  as if we were friends.  he really is a sociopath.  I should tell the whole story but…

Well, I am so bummed , because I need to go into town (1 1/2 hours away ) to get decent food — the produce here is so bad.  But this takes about $12 in gasoline and I cannot at the same time get my car inspected because the inspection station is closed by now, so I have to go back tomorrow, and spend another 12 bucks; and I could just not make the trip today, leaving it till tomorrow, but then I would be forced to eat shit food and I can’t stand it, and  it is so totally depressing to think of not going into town today.  More than this, I HAVE to go in today, because if I don’t I can’t pick up the remote for my new apartment’s garage — I’ve arranged with the psycho roommate that he leave it in our mailbox, so I do not have to see IT; and now I have to endure the slime of another phone conversation with IT to to tell IT to leave the remote in the mailbox until tomorrow.  UGH!!!!  This alone may make me got to town.  Twelve dollars.  So what.  The trip will delay my eating , to which is good; and my well-being is worth $12, and I will be able to get a lot of errands done so that I won’t have to do them all plus the car errands tomorrow.  The only thing is I will have to get up really early tomorrow and won’t really be able to do this if I create a late night for myself tonight by being out late — though I kind of doubt I would be able to go to bed early no matter what I did.   On top of this, I am really tired, and I don’t really want to do all this driving.  Well,, I can listen to good radio (npr) since when I am in town I am in range of those stations. God please help me.

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