April 10 Entry 3

April 11, 2010 at 3:01 am | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

I failed to start the fast.

I have a really damaged system and it has got to be taken care of by fasting.

I have also got to take care of it by having 400cal max meals only and meals separated by 2 hours per 100 cals.

This terrifies me.  I feel great on the 400 max and 2h:100 plan but I get thin.

ok so the plan is.  I go to bed now, 8 pm sat. and I start my fast tomorrow sun. which is on time.  i start it in the am…. but tomorrow has to be day one of the day count too.

It is just a day count to repair my poor damaged body and heal and let myself rest and get well and functional.

I am glad because I really know what makes me depressed — large meals.  And the brain fog comes from these large meals too.  Large meals reveal themselves to be the culprit.  I have to do 400 acc. max. and I really have to space meals at 2 hours per 100 cals.  I won’t starve.  It is a certain amount of food.  It is fine.  My body will get stronger.

I have had really horrifying really damaging interactions today.  Escept with Susie Zatalokin.  But I still cannot really unedited unbridled express myself to her.  But I did shout it out to janis.  ut she was a f*cking f*cker beater at me but I did shout it all out at her.  so.

I am going to call up priyas voicemail when i know she is asleep and I am going to let her know what a f*cking f*ck she is for leaving , oh, she left me a message today whining and snapping at me FOR CALLING HER UP what a f*cking f*ck

I mean to tell her the world is sh*t BECAUSE OF PEOPLE LIKE HER f*cking selfish f*ck.

The most upsetting thing today.. Bosmi didnt answer the phone but that was OK since I feel she welcomes me … I need to feel welcomed

the day count rules are:

THE GENERAL PURPOSE IS YOUTHING HEALING SERIOUSNESS SURRENDER AND GENTLENESS

]policies]

well i will write these down later ok

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April 10 Second Entry

April 11, 2010 at 12:23 am | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Too depressed to write as it is too hard.

I have so much to detail.

I can’t I don’t want to strain myself.

Trying to base my life on gentleness and make myself gentle and stop straining myself.

I try to force myself to do all manner of things that I think will get me to fast and it just creates strain all of it.

I am not writing honestly right now.

I want to write honestly.

I wish Bosmi or anyone would call me or cared about me.

I wish I could call up Janet or Gretchen.

fuck skype fuck spending more and more and more money and  having it just be complicated.

New Day Count and 5-Day Fast April 10, 2010

April 10, 2010 at 5:14 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

it’s gentleness- and surrender-based

every day narrate what happens

also catalogue every significant life event in manner of self-help book exercise

every day

start days with positivity

life is short

why have I failed so far.

I just want to WANT to fast.

I want to fast 5 days, or 10days

Then I want to do bitter green living fudes only

Thank God I can get on the Internet.

gratitude is a requisite too daily

in the morning

affirming “I really want to fast and be fude-sober”

self-motiv interviewing each morning

honestly and openly questioning whether i choose fasting and sobriety

taking all the time it requires

i hope choosing the sobriety & fasting will just get easier and more automatic

sprout every day

here’s what the day count rules are.

I have to make them really feasible gentle and viable /effective

to be effective they have to be gentle and can’t let me get lonely

tonya has written me

she is intelligent on paper

it is bad to be connected to her though since she is lowclass

I am scared

here are the day count rules.

POLICIES AND DAILY TASKS:

POLICIES:

400 acc max and 2 hours per 100 cals.

(Comment: I have resistance to this rule and fear of it but truly it is big meals that really beat me up and bring me down.  I am fine except if I eat a big meal.  From there it is all being brainfogged and desperate depressed and can’t do anything except stuff myself down with fude. )

(Comment: I have to get honest about how the fude really affects me.  There is something bad going on here.  I

4-hour PAF Rule

DAILY TASKS:

Before eating in a day: sleep 8 1/4 hours, exercise via bodyfeel session, and cold …. bath ? want to require cold swim in ocean.  Take as long as is required to do this comfortably.

Daily sprout

Daily Meditate 5 hours

Daily Lifestory Work

Daily Blog all fude Events

Daily 3 Reachout Calls

Daily 3 Emails 1 to a new person

DAily READ BLOG AND ALL SELFHELP MATERIALS

Daily SELF- MOTIVATIONAL INTERVIEWING (i.e., really honestly ask self what want, what are goals and values, if want to be sober and fast)

Daily Gratitude and Affirmations

Daily

ALL THIS HAS TO BE DONE IN THE MORNING AND BEFORE EATING ANYTHING.

THIS CREATES A POSITIVITY

Note I am not being honest with myself or realistic

Note I am not being gentle with myself.

Note the real purpose is youthing

NOTE I have to make better use of act or principle of surrender

OK FAST UNTIL APRIL 15TH AT LEAST OR BETTER FAST TEN DAYS I.E. UNTIL APRIL 20TH.  April 15th is this Thursday.  April 20th is the Tuesday after that, a week from this Tuesday.

have to complete rules later

ten day fast

April 5, 2010 at 5:31 am | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

I want to post on here the results of search for defining moments in my life

-Josh shutting the door in my face

etc.

you could almost feel they were the same incident over and over.

.. in fact…

… these are of a type.  The primary thing they seem to have done is destroyed a kind of confidence.  CONFIDENCE then  — I lack.  I lack the confidence that the most basic things will happen.  I live terrorized.

it seems my resistance to fasting/stopping bingeing is like due to other things however.

these are not things that you can list like Reasons or Objections to Quitting.  The reasons are like — every day I am overwhelmed by the lack of caring in my life.

These are not arguments , not Listed Reasons, more like: ” … I don’t know why I Need to Stuff Self.  I JUST NEED TO.”

MY TECHNIQUE NOW IS JUST TO COAX MYSELF TO FAST JUST A TINY BIT LONGER    JUST A TINY BIT LONGER

I try to collect my good-feelings about fasting but these are not necessarily compelling when push comes to shove.

WHAT WILL WORK????

My most common reason for losing a fast is:  “I can’t stand the misery.”

My inspiration this morning was:  i can be defiantly positive like Leslie Davidson.  She was defiant to me as I was negative.  She insisted on being positive.  I thought:  “I can be like Leslie Davidson and have a good experience.  I CAN  fast,  and I can have a GOOD EXPERIENCE!”

I am NO LONGER AFRAID of my thinness and NO LONGER AFRAID of the fasting-sickness.

THIS IS HUGE.

I AM susceptible to the panic that comes with BOREDOM OR BEIGN TRAPPED IN BED /ISOLATED/  NO NO NO      NO      NO           NO            BOOKS OR ANYTHING…….  nothing to read nothing to work on nothing interesting nothing compelling nothing to do

THE HORROR OF THE EMPTINESS THE DESOLATION THE BLEAKNESS

THE HORROR OF THIS

I DO see my previous bleaknesses (everywhere I’ve lived has been bleak) AS LESS TERRIFYING LESS OVERWHELMING less frightening

I’m not intimidated by them

PLEASE GOD HELP ME FAST TEN DAYS.

I started last night 2 am.  Well, I am almost done with Day One.

I really can

BUT HOW WILL I DEAL WITH THE STRESS TOMORROW OF THE HOUSING INTERVIEW????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

HOW THE HELL AM I GOING TO DEAL WITH THAT????????????????

I WANT TO FAST TEN DAYS

BUT IN ADDITION TO THAT  I WANT TO WANT TO FAST THE TEN DAYS AND I WANT TO WANT TO FAST TEN DAYS AT EVERY MOMENT DURING THE FAST OF TEN DAYS

HOW CAN I WANT THIS?

Motivational Interviewing. what do I want in life?  how do I get it?  Yes.  i see I get it BY FASTING….

Another change today: okay.  I am seeing what i get out of eating-when-it’s-no-ok-with-me.  I see that I get “warmth.”  I see that I “fly.”  I can see these episodes as…. achieving states ACHIEVABLE IN OTHER WAYS…

THE BIG CHANGE IS:  I can see my episodes as… NOT indicating hopeless addiction…. more just misguided attempts… and I can feel that the episodes themselves are not actually as incapacitating as my despair would have it…. I think my thinking was judging and rigid to an extent that perpetuated the problem….

a propos of this… i think the stupid dumb author who wrote 7 tools book was really objecting to ADDICT THINKING — not legitimately to the therapeutic model which empahsizes the seriousness of addiction

All this really actually makes fasting sort of a Nice Option instead of a Necessity — takes the pressure off.

Fineally I have the courage to be truthfu with myself,a nd thus make progress toward fasting.  i was too scared to face the real truth about self and fasting because it seemed i would be raped and utterly humiliated disrespected.  my need to fast, for my dignity, might be just totally dismissed.  how would I get my dignity???  it was UNACCEPTABLE, the eventuality that my emotional need for fasting would be dismissed and never fulfilled by fasting success.  it still is unacceptable.  I don’t know how I got the courage to really take the risk of being rape fuck forced, told that I would not be allowed to fast.

today i narrated the ages 10-11 story to Bosm.  I raped myself annihiliated myself by justifying my pushing away the food on a health basis.  this is totaly unacceptable. it is a horrifying self-rape that  I defended myself on a health basis.  I don’t know what to do about that.  i don’t know how to approach self-affirmingly the fact that I COULD defend myself on a health basis.   If I had not been in the situation of defending myself to another, merely in a project of reassuring my own self or .. something… it would have been OK… I did see that truly I needed to cut down the food and learn to fast , right at that age; and when I was fude-fucked fude-raped-fude-stuff fucked  I was crippled for LIFE.  I was fude rapestuff fucked;  I was forced to be fat;  I developed the intestinal condition; I developed the neurological condition of severe anxiety and depression.  I surprised myself with the revelation of this, withthe clarifying of it — with the full validation of my reducing my food intake at that age, unconsciuosly training myself to go along the path of achieving fasting.   it is so clear now how much I NEEDED to fast, to cut down the food to achieve fasting. I NEEDED to heal my poor intestine.  I needed to heal it by fasting.  I love myself and this is the most gentle thing i could have done.  Instead of beign allowed to achieve it I was brutally thwarted, bullied, violated, fuck stuff raped — when I NEEDED to be respected and let to FAST.   it is so crystal clear.

I MUST figure out how to insist that my reduced food intake be RESPECTED, on solely a moral basis.  THat THIS WAS IMPORTANT TO ME AND THEREFORE UNCONDITIONALLY IT DESERVED TOTAL RESPECT.

Just a note about the fast.  Ok — the day count of pushing away the food and keeping 2 hours per 100 cals to process food eaten… actually helped me conceive that i could fast 10 days.  that I COULD fast.  I developed tolerance for pushing away the food.  The backlash grew less.  i woul ordinarily get backlash from applying discipline many days in a row.

I did get backlash as I made the decision to fat — I ate like 1200 cals at once, ostensibly 800 but dishonestly measured    … and THEN 6 hours later ate 1350 cals at once, ostensibly 750 but also dishoneest

These episodes were the only slips after 5,6 days of 400 acc. max and 2H:100.  They put me in bed all day today with the intestinally -generated weakness.

talking with Bosm. makes me realize the extraordinarliy convoluted horrifyign ly self-harsh nature of my thinking. her thinking is like this and i dont know if it s really good for me to talk to her.

i think i should accept the thinking though and not try to control her  … or myself????

HELP PLEASE GOD I DONT WANT TO HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS LABORIOUS TIME-CONSUMING PROCESS OF CHANGING MYSELF TO BECOME UTTERLY GENTLE AND REALLY GET WARMTH IN MY LIFE, IN ORDER TO BE ABLE TO FAST. DONT WANT TO HAVE TO CHANGE MY WHOLE THINKING TO THINKING THAT STAYS RELAXED IF I FAIL   PLEASE GOD HELP ME    JSUT CHANGE ME QUICKLY SO I CAN FASST AND PLEASE RESPECT THAT I HAVE TO HOLD FASTING AS OF THE UTMOST IMPORTANCE AND AS ESSENTIAL TO MY DIGNITY

PLEASE JUST PROTECT ME FROM THE BLEAKNESS AND LET ME FAST 10 DAYS

I CAN HAVE A GOOD EXPERIENCE AND I CAN FAST 10 DAYS.

I CAN FAST 10 DAYS AND I CAN HAVE A GOOD EXPERIENCE

IT IS REALLY NOT THAT HARD AND I DO DESERVE TO SUCCEED!

i will use the technique of just saying to myself “let me fast jsut a little bit longer.”

of course now i just want to go eat as soon as it is midnight.

why?

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