ten day fast

April 5, 2010 at 5:31 am | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

I want to post on here the results of search for defining moments in my life

-Josh shutting the door in my face

etc.

you could almost feel they were the same incident over and over.

.. in fact…

… these are of a type.  The primary thing they seem to have done is destroyed a kind of confidence.  CONFIDENCE then  — I lack.  I lack the confidence that the most basic things will happen.  I live terrorized.

it seems my resistance to fasting/stopping bingeing is like due to other things however.

these are not things that you can list like Reasons or Objections to Quitting.  The reasons are like — every day I am overwhelmed by the lack of caring in my life.

These are not arguments , not Listed Reasons, more like: ” … I don’t know why I Need to Stuff Self.  I JUST NEED TO.”

MY TECHNIQUE NOW IS JUST TO COAX MYSELF TO FAST JUST A TINY BIT LONGER    JUST A TINY BIT LONGER

I try to collect my good-feelings about fasting but these are not necessarily compelling when push comes to shove.

WHAT WILL WORK????

My most common reason for losing a fast is:  “I can’t stand the misery.”

My inspiration this morning was:  i can be defiantly positive like Leslie Davidson.  She was defiant to me as I was negative.  She insisted on being positive.  I thought:  “I can be like Leslie Davidson and have a good experience.  I CAN  fast,  and I can have a GOOD EXPERIENCE!”

I am NO LONGER AFRAID of my thinness and NO LONGER AFRAID of the fasting-sickness.

THIS IS HUGE.

I AM susceptible to the panic that comes with BOREDOM OR BEIGN TRAPPED IN BED /ISOLATED/  NO NO NO      NO      NO           NO            BOOKS OR ANYTHING…….  nothing to read nothing to work on nothing interesting nothing compelling nothing to do

THE HORROR OF THE EMPTINESS THE DESOLATION THE BLEAKNESS

THE HORROR OF THIS

I DO see my previous bleaknesses (everywhere I’ve lived has been bleak) AS LESS TERRIFYING LESS OVERWHELMING less frightening

I’m not intimidated by them

PLEASE GOD HELP ME FAST TEN DAYS.

I started last night 2 am.  Well, I am almost done with Day One.

I really can

BUT HOW WILL I DEAL WITH THE STRESS TOMORROW OF THE HOUSING INTERVIEW????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

HOW THE HELL AM I GOING TO DEAL WITH THAT????????????????

I WANT TO FAST TEN DAYS

BUT IN ADDITION TO THAT  I WANT TO WANT TO FAST THE TEN DAYS AND I WANT TO WANT TO FAST TEN DAYS AT EVERY MOMENT DURING THE FAST OF TEN DAYS

HOW CAN I WANT THIS?

Motivational Interviewing. what do I want in life?  how do I get it?  Yes.  i see I get it BY FASTING….

Another change today: okay.  I am seeing what i get out of eating-when-it’s-no-ok-with-me.  I see that I get “warmth.”  I see that I “fly.”  I can see these episodes as…. achieving states ACHIEVABLE IN OTHER WAYS…

THE BIG CHANGE IS:  I can see my episodes as… NOT indicating hopeless addiction…. more just misguided attempts… and I can feel that the episodes themselves are not actually as incapacitating as my despair would have it…. I think my thinking was judging and rigid to an extent that perpetuated the problem….

a propos of this… i think the stupid dumb author who wrote 7 tools book was really objecting to ADDICT THINKING — not legitimately to the therapeutic model which empahsizes the seriousness of addiction

All this really actually makes fasting sort of a Nice Option instead of a Necessity — takes the pressure off.

Fineally I have the courage to be truthfu with myself,a nd thus make progress toward fasting.  i was too scared to face the real truth about self and fasting because it seemed i would be raped and utterly humiliated disrespected.  my need to fast, for my dignity, might be just totally dismissed.  how would I get my dignity???  it was UNACCEPTABLE, the eventuality that my emotional need for fasting would be dismissed and never fulfilled by fasting success.  it still is unacceptable.  I don’t know how I got the courage to really take the risk of being rape fuck forced, told that I would not be allowed to fast.

today i narrated the ages 10-11 story to Bosm.  I raped myself annihiliated myself by justifying my pushing away the food on a health basis.  this is totaly unacceptable. it is a horrifying self-rape that  I defended myself on a health basis.  I don’t know what to do about that.  i don’t know how to approach self-affirmingly the fact that I COULD defend myself on a health basis.   If I had not been in the situation of defending myself to another, merely in a project of reassuring my own self or .. something… it would have been OK… I did see that truly I needed to cut down the food and learn to fast , right at that age; and when I was fude-fucked fude-raped-fude-stuff fucked  I was crippled for LIFE.  I was fude rapestuff fucked;  I was forced to be fat;  I developed the intestinal condition; I developed the neurological condition of severe anxiety and depression.  I surprised myself with the revelation of this, withthe clarifying of it — with the full validation of my reducing my food intake at that age, unconsciuosly training myself to go along the path of achieving fasting.   it is so clear now how much I NEEDED to fast, to cut down the food to achieve fasting. I NEEDED to heal my poor intestine.  I needed to heal it by fasting.  I love myself and this is the most gentle thing i could have done.  Instead of beign allowed to achieve it I was brutally thwarted, bullied, violated, fuck stuff raped — when I NEEDED to be respected and let to FAST.   it is so crystal clear.

I MUST figure out how to insist that my reduced food intake be RESPECTED, on solely a moral basis.  THat THIS WAS IMPORTANT TO ME AND THEREFORE UNCONDITIONALLY IT DESERVED TOTAL RESPECT.

Just a note about the fast.  Ok — the day count of pushing away the food and keeping 2 hours per 100 cals to process food eaten… actually helped me conceive that i could fast 10 days.  that I COULD fast.  I developed tolerance for pushing away the food.  The backlash grew less.  i woul ordinarily get backlash from applying discipline many days in a row.

I did get backlash as I made the decision to fat — I ate like 1200 cals at once, ostensibly 800 but dishonestly measured    … and THEN 6 hours later ate 1350 cals at once, ostensibly 750 but also dishoneest

These episodes were the only slips after 5,6 days of 400 acc. max and 2H:100.  They put me in bed all day today with the intestinally -generated weakness.

talking with Bosm. makes me realize the extraordinarliy convoluted horrifyign ly self-harsh nature of my thinking. her thinking is like this and i dont know if it s really good for me to talk to her.

i think i should accept the thinking though and not try to control her  … or myself????

HELP PLEASE GOD I DONT WANT TO HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS LABORIOUS TIME-CONSUMING PROCESS OF CHANGING MYSELF TO BECOME UTTERLY GENTLE AND REALLY GET WARMTH IN MY LIFE, IN ORDER TO BE ABLE TO FAST. DONT WANT TO HAVE TO CHANGE MY WHOLE THINKING TO THINKING THAT STAYS RELAXED IF I FAIL   PLEASE GOD HELP ME    JSUT CHANGE ME QUICKLY SO I CAN FASST AND PLEASE RESPECT THAT I HAVE TO HOLD FASTING AS OF THE UTMOST IMPORTANCE AND AS ESSENTIAL TO MY DIGNITY

PLEASE JUST PROTECT ME FROM THE BLEAKNESS AND LET ME FAST 10 DAYS

I CAN HAVE A GOOD EXPERIENCE AND I CAN FAST 10 DAYS.

I CAN FAST 10 DAYS AND I CAN HAVE A GOOD EXPERIENCE

IT IS REALLY NOT THAT HARD AND I DO DESERVE TO SUCCEED!

i will use the technique of just saying to myself “let me fast jsut a little bit longer.”

of course now i just want to go eat as soon as it is midnight.

why?

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